(From l.) DAYS’s EJ (Dan Feuerriegel), GH’s Emma and Anna (Braedyn Bruner and Finola Hughes) and B&B’s Liam (Scott Clifton) were awash in soapy drama last week.

The Best

Beyond The Gates: Bill Plays Dirty

Where do we start? He cheated on his wife with his daughter Naomi’s best friend Hayley, and is now being sued by three women who were fired after reporting sexual harassment at his law firm. Their lawyer? Naomi! Rather than do the honorable thing and go to court, Bill told his daughter the wrong time for a conference and then tried to get the women to settle without their lawyer present. Naomi called him on it and he blamed his assistant. Hayley later cornered one of the women to plead Bill’s case; in walked Naomi. “Stay the hell away,” she ordered.

Bill also backstabbed his grieving ex-wife by pretending he wanted to reminisce about their daughters playing at their beach house when what he really wanted was the deed to that home. He was all “remember that little seafood store we loved?” and recalling their favorite wine to the point where Dani kissed him. Bill recoiled. She finally realized Bill was working her and asked why he was there. He wanted the deed and he wants Hayley’s treatment at the country club to improve.

That woke Dani up. She pushed him away and snarked, “The great and powerful Bill Hamilton — reduced to running errands for his midlife crisis wife.”

General Hospital: Scorpio Rising

Emma Scorpio-Drake came to town as the one-note granddaughter of Anna Devane interested only in saving the environment (Zzzz). But lately she’s shared meaningful scenes with Gio, Tracy and Anna, making her a much more interesting addition. GH made good use of her eco tendencies when she chained herself to the Quartermaine crypt to keep the vengeful Drew from demolishing it. Police Commissioner Anna sided with law enforcement, cutting the chain and leading Emma away.

“I don’t know who you are,” she said to her upset granddaughter. Emma fought back, saying she’s not a little kid anymore — she’s grown into a thinking college student who hates inequality and wants to fight injustice. Anna said the Q crypt is not the fight to take on; Emma retorted that her grandma was in the WSB and fought every day. “Legally,” clarified Anna, unlike Emma who is breaking the law. Emma then confided the reason she was so passionate about preserving the crypt: Robin told her the story of how Edward sacrificed to give Emma the serum that saved her life back in 2012, when Jerry Jacks poisoned Port Charles’s water supply. She also reminded Anna that Alan was there for Robin when she was diagnosed as HIV-positive, and his loving care was the reason Robin pursued medicine.

“I couldn’t watch their final resting place be destroyed,” asserted Emma. Got it, agreed Anna, who later admitted Emma may be trouble, but she’s “good trouble.”

Days of Our Lives: EJ Is Shot

We knew it was coming. On the heels of an unflattering article in The Spectator (published by his own brother, Chad), Salem declared war on EJ. Paulina and Chanel said EJ would pay for wrecking Johnny and Chanel’s hopes of adoption. Rafe, Jada and Gabi promised EJ wouldn’t get away with kidnapping Rafe. DA Belle wore a wire to get EJ to incriminate himself. Kate vowed that EJ would regret hurting Rex (in an off-screen accident) and pulled a gun out of her bag. Ava and Kristen also conveniently had guns in their purses. Johnny stole Roman’s weapon from behind the bar.

Just in case we weren’t hit over the head with the round-robin of threats, EJ then recited his enemies to Stefano’s portrait. “Your beloved Giovanni thinks I am a monster thanks to Kate and Roman dropping that bombshell,” snarked EJ to “Father” (referring to Johnny learning EJ raped Sami). “I curse them for that, as I’m sure they curse me.” They do. Just as EJ started bragging that he was one step ahead of his enemies, a shot rang out. Chad found him covered in blood, called 911, and was later questioned by JJ.

“If you want a list of my brother’s enemies,” relayed Chad, “we’re going to be here all night!”

Bold and Beautiful: Showdown!

Of all the people angry at Bill for spearheading Luna’s release from prison, his son Liam had the best case. He called his dad “certifiable” for springing the murderer, and reminded Bill that Luna had tried to kill Liam’s ex-wife Steffy, the mother of Bill’s granddaughter Kelly. They exchanged angry words, with Liam asking what Luna could have done to make Bill abandon every principle he ever had. Back off and do what you’re told, retorted Dollar Bill.

Liam quit instead. That prompted nasty mocking from Bill that he had handed Liam his career at Spencer Publications and Liam sure seemed to enjoy the yacht and the jet. Liam doesn’t care about that: “This is the part where you say, ‘Don’t go, Liam.’ Why can’t you say that?” Bill went the other way, accusing Liam of tanking his marriages to Steffy and Hope and ruining his children. Back atcha, spit Liam, reminding Bill he has three sons and two of them are gone. Liam just wants to love his father, but Bill won’t let him. Leave, ordered his heartless dad as he walked out the door.

Suddenly the room got fuzzy and Liam passed out. Steffy found him and got him to the hospital. “Why isn’t he waking up?” cried Liam’s ex-wife. Ask Bill…

The Worst

B&B: Luna Eats The Show

Sheila and Deacon, Hope and Deacon, Finn and Steffy, Taylor and Steffy, Will and Electra, Bill and Liam… B&B’s core characters spent every day last week talking about Luna. “I don’t care if Luna is your granddaughter, she killed Tom and Hollis,” Deacon scolded Sheila. “It’s me or that lunatic.” Sheila ignored her husband, of course.

And there was Luna purring to Will that she wants to be “friends with benefits,” knowing full well he’s in a relationship with Electra. “You killed two people and put Steffy in a cage,” retorted Will. “I will never believe you or your delusional stories.”

Wanna bet? Luna asked her sudden grandmother how to lure Will into her web which, knowing the M.O. of those two psychos, probably means kidnapping him. It’s hard enough to buy a character who went from innocent victim to homicidal killer to daughter of her own cousin in a relatively short time. Surely B&B’s A-listers can find more to do than obsess about this maniacal newbie.

Y&R: Drained By Dumas

Much like B&B’s Luna, a newcomer named Aristotle Dumas is taking up entire episodes of Y&R — except we’ve never met him. Genoa City biggies have been discussing him for months, wondering who he’s in cahoots with and what he’s after, and he’s not even on screen! Aristotle is Damian’s mystery boss, has a history with Victor, and is being discussed by Michael, Lily, Devon, Nate, Billy, Phyllis and Sally. Oh, and his name comes from some convoluted plot involving The Count of Monte Cristo.

“I find it odd that someone who shrouds himself in secrecy has suddenly become transparent,” mused Victor to Michael after learning Dumas had reached out to Billy Abbott. “What game is he playing?”

Who cares? This story is all plot and no character so far, because no one knows who Dumas is (except perhaps Billy). Michael brought up Tucker McCall as his possible identity, but our money’s on Aristotle being played by Billy Flynn (ex-Chad, DAYS). Hopefully, Y&R won’t just tread water until then. We’re all for an arc that puts Victor, Billy and Lily in the same orbit — and introduces a possibly vital new character — but having the main characters repeat the same conversations over and over before he’s even introduced is just plain boring.