Top 10 Characters ATWT’s Dusty Should Counsel
AS THE WORLD TURNS’ Dusty had so much luck detoxing meth addict Alison in that 24-hour session at the Lakeview, he should seriously consider becoming a professional counselor.
Here are the top 10 afflicted Oakdale residents that “Doc” Donovan should try his miracle cures on next.
10. Barbara Ryan, Acute Buttinski-osis. Sure, the fabulous Ms. Ryan has fewer children to meddle with these days (R.I.P., Jennifer), but with Paul being presumed dead every couple of years and Will expecting a child with Gwen, there’s no time like the present for Dusty to teach her how to finally cut those umbilical cords.
9. Dallas Griffin, Minority Airtime-ism. In the case of this industrious detective, it’s not Dallas whom Dusty needs to lock up for detox; it’s the ATWT writers. Scare them straight, Doc, and make them write for more diverse characters!
8. Craig Montgomery and Paul Ryan, Coyote-and-Road-Runner Syndrome. The two notorious foes have spent so much time one-upping each other that it’s about time Dusty strapped some ACME products to their ankles and dropped them both off a cliff.
7. Faith Snyder, JonathanandTammyitis. Young Faith seems to be watching too many GUIDING LIGHT edit tapes, judging by her crush on her cousin Parker Munson. Doc Dusty is just the one to set her on the path to more age-appropriate TV shows like Hannah Montana.
6. Jack Snyder and Carly Tenney, True North Disease. They’re a couple constantly breaking up and reuniting, so their magic compass clearly has no directional value. It’s up to Dusty to point them where they need to be: either together forever or over for good.
5. Maddie Coleman, Gay Boyfriendism. He likes musical theater and is polite, sweet, and afraid of his strict military-man father — and let’s not even talk about the awkward sex. Dusty needs to help this gal on the rebound throw Noah’s closet door open wide.
4. Noah Mayer, Classic Self-Denial. Probably the most textbook case in Oakdale, the troubled aspiring filmmaker just needs to be hit with the “Luke Snyder is awesome” stick, and straight man Dusty is just the one to smack him with it.
3. Meg Snyder, Rosanoma Standinza. The former nurse Snyder has a pathological addiction to getting involved with men who have loved someone whose name begins with “Ros.” As one of Rose D’Angelo’s exes, Dusty himself actually contributed to her condition, so it stands to reason he can help her combat it. (Preferably not with aversion therapy involving lilies.)
2. Katie Peretti, Simonfrasieritis. Katie went from stage four of the virulent Australian illness last year (sleeping with Simon and yet trying to hold on to his exact opposite, Mike) straight to stage five: getting involved with a new anti-Simon (Jack) and becoming attracted to a brash American strain of Simonfrasieritis, known as BradSnyderoma. Instead of locking her in a hotel room, Doc Donovan should put her on a plane straight to the source of her original infection!
1. Physician, heal thyself! Whether it’s bedding barely legal ingenues or romancing sets of sisters, Dusty has some major issues in the romance department and he needs some therapy, stat!
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