Carolyn’s Opinion

When do presumed dead tales work? Check out what Digest columnist Carolyn Hinsey has to say about what’s happening across the daytime dial.

There’s a lot of fake death going around on our soaps, and in some cases it does not become them.

Y&R’s Phyllis made a scene at the ball, had a meltdown, suffered a heart attack, was revealed by Jeremy Stark to be his wife, got into an accident, got burned in a fire, and “died”.

Victor: “Something is way off.”

You got that right, Mustache. Obviously, all those covert meetings with Stark were leading up to something, but letting her kids think she was dead to get revenge on Diane reverted Phyllis all the way back to her octopus days.

Stark (to Phyllis’s loved ones): “You all shut her out. I was in a bad place, too; just out of prison. I understood what Phyllis felt.”
Jack: “This is ridiculous.”

Stark immediately accusing Diane of having a hand in Phyllis’s “death” didn’t raise one eyebrow that it might be for show; the guests just boo-hooed over their shabby treatment of old Red. Jack feared Diane would be a suspect since she had just threatened to kill Phyllis (nothing gets by him).

Diane: “I was angry when I made that threat.”

Is that a defense? More preposterous was that Diane — who faked her own death for over a decade — didn’t question whether her two biggest enemies might have teamed up to do the same thing to her for revenge.

Summer (to Diane): “My mom is dead. It’s what you wanted all along!”

Sigh. Stories are so much better when the past informs the present.

Right, DAYS’s Marlena? Welcome back to the living for the 900th time.

John: “I wish the entire family could be here to feel this miracle.”
Marlena: “What you must have gone through thinking you’d lost me!”

Again…. Belle and Eric came over for what John described as a surprise and had a few questions when their dead mom appeared.

Marlena: “It’s a long story. Megan took my body from the hospital and had Rolf create a serum that saved my life.”

Talk of miracles followed, but not one word about how Eric had gathered the family at Marlena’s deathbed just 15 months prior to exorcise the devil. At the very least, shouldn’t someone suggest that the death-prone Marlena lie low for a while?

Across town, the Johnsons were getting similar news and reacting … similarly.

Patch: “I have some news about your mother. She’s alive.”
Stephanie: “How can that be?”
Patch: “Marlena confirmed it.”
Stephanie: “Marlena?”
Patch: “She’s alive, too.”

Patch himself died in 1990 and came back 16 years later, which you’d think might be mentioned. Kudos to Kayla for calling her daughter from a stolen phone to drop the name of the “henchman” who kidnapped her.

Kayla: “It was your Uncle Bo!”

Stephanie didn’t hear her, but hopefully the many other recent returns from the great beyond (Marlena, Kayla, Jack, Nicole, Will, EJ, Tony) will keep the fam from fainting when Bo walks into the Brady pub.

Kayla bantering with her brother is the silver lining of this tired tale as she calls him “Little Victor” while he lays out his plan to use her medical background to duplicate the life-saving serum that brought Marlena back.

Kayla: “You’re planning on building an empire on a flower?”

B&B’s Sheila tried to build a post-prison empire with Bill Spencer but it turned out he only proposed marriage to get her to confess her crimes on tape. Naturally, she hurled herself off a balcony then magically jumped in a car to go recap the story to Deacon.

Deacon: “You confessed to murder?”
Sheila: “Everything I did, they were monitoring me. Run away with me!”

No, thanks. Sheila almost died again when Li decided not to revive her after she suffered a (pretend?) heart attack but do-gooder Finn stepped in. The good thing about Sheila’s reigns of terror and deaths is that the people around her remember them and treat her accordingly. Bill and Ridge teaming up to bring her down was delicious.

Brooke: “You knew Bill was doing this?”
Ridge: “Yeah. But don’t get me wrong, I’ve got problems with Bill. Look how he dresses — like a pirate that got lost in a mall.”

They can bring Sheila back 10 more times if we get dialogue like that.

Anna, Valentin and Lucy faking their deaths on GH worked because it had been 30 years since the last time Anna “died” and we knew they were doing it to catch Victor. Lucy couldn’t handle watching The Nurses’ Ball from a safe house (sporting a sequin ball gown that I guess she had in her purse) and her constant bitching about it was too much for her co-hiders.

Valentin (sarcastic): “If only our lives didn’t depend on us staying away from the Nurses’ Ball.”

The annual shindig gave us the humor we’ve come to expect (“Save the drama for your llama,” said Nina, while backstage with a llama) but a poignant sadness hung over the event with the news of Epiphany’s death.
Robert (at G.H. before her funeral): “These walls have seen everything.”

Laura: “Yeah, and today is going to be a hard one.”

They sent Epiphany out a hero (having saved a woman from a car crash, then dying of smoke inhalation), utilizing logical and popular players with flashbacks layered in. Liz organized the funeral, Diane was the executor, Emma Drake and Magic Milo returned, and Willow got out of bed. Her fellow nurses sat front row (Felix!) and Monica placed a call at the end to read Epiphany’s letter praising Liz and naming her head nurse.

Monica: “Having another Hardy run the 10th floor sounds right, don’t you think?”

Sniff! Achieving her dream, then dying suddenly … if only that one had been fake.

Hey. It’s only my 
opinion.