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Soap Characters: Snark Becomes Them


heather tom, don diamont, the bold and the beautiful

Howard Wise/

The Ex Files: Katie (Heather Tom) finds Bill’s (Don Diamont) new insta-family a tad too convenient.

Suddenly characters with an edge are all over daytime and I’m here for it.

The snark was pouring out of B&B’s Katie when she let herself into her ex-husband’s house and found him shacked up with his new girlfriend. Bill and Poppy were all googly-eyed throwing around the word “love” and Katie was not amused.

Katie: “Wow, you’re already using the L word. I’m not judging. It’s just interesting.”

(Translation: She’s judging.)

Poppy: “How could I not love Bill? He’s a remarkable man and the father of my child.”

Katie: “And your new roomie. [To Bill] Look at you —a whole new family.”

Bill: “I was planning on telling you.”

Katie: “I was a bit taken aback when I walked in here the other day and found Poppy and Luna making themselves right at home.”

Bill: “I have a daughter, all thanks to Poppy!”

Well, not all thanks to her… Katie rolled her eyes to Genoa City.

Bill made things worse by speculating that Katie felt threatened by Poppy. Katie admitted she had mixed feelings about Bill bringing his new family into the home where they “raised” their son Will. (I have mixed feelings about that, too, because we all know Will was raised at boarding school.) Enter Poppy to question what Katie was doing in her house.

This is not over.

Elsewhere, Ridge blindsided Steffy by announcing he wanted to revive Brooke’s Bedroom Line and bring Brooke back into the company. He made sound arguments about the absence of Thomas and Eric making it necessary for him to spend more time designing, which any non-threatened exec would agree with. But that’s not Steffy “Logans are bad!” Forrester.

Ridge: “My commitment has to be on the creative side. If we don’t have anything to sell we don’t have a company. I want Brooke to be on the executive team.”

Steffy: “You want Brooke to be our co-CEO?”

Hope: “I think it’s a wonderful idea.”

Steffy: “I am not running our family business with Brooke Logan!”

Hope: “No one is more qualified to lead the company into the future than you, mom.”

Look at Hope stirring the pot! They grow up so fast.

Y&R’s Tucker has been needlessly nasty since helicoptering onto Jack’s lawn, so it was only a matter of time before Audra hit back. Her takeover of Glissade socked him right in the kisser.

Audra: “It’s over and there’s nothing you can do about it. I’m never going to tell you who bought your company out from under you. Your time is up on our relationship and this conversation.”

Tucker: “You’re going to pay.”

He’s barking up the wrong mogul thinking it was Jack who funded that deal.

Tucker: “So Jack, are you enjoying Paris?”

Jack: “Save the small talk.”

That’s how you talk to a slime ball like Tucker. He accused Jack of stealing Glissade and the Jabot CEO had the perfect response:

Jack: “Why would I go after a second-rate competitor?”

(Pssst Tucker: It’s Victor.)

Across town, Jack’s wife and Victor’s wife were giving a master class in sarcasm.

Diane: “I wish you nothing but the best going forward.”

Nikki: “How very kind of you.”

Diane: “Good luck finding a new [AA] sponsor. If I could make a suggestion, try leaning on your own husband. You shouldn’t feel the need to constantly seek out an old friend who feels obligated to pick up the phone every time you call.”

Nikki: “My friendship with Jack is not subject to your approval.”

Diane: “If a line were to be crossed, we would have a problem.”

Jack (entering): “Everything good here?”

No. And that’s good.

Speaking of sarcasm, Tracy’s response to her family turning the Quartermaine mansion into a home for wayward children on GH was a site to behold.

Brook Lynn: “Violet always has so much fun here.”

Tracy: “As do all the neglected children of Port Charles. But I digress.”

Brook Lynn: “The idea is for us to tell Finn that Chase and I are going to spend some time at the Quartermaines. It will be nice to have more space and help wrangle all the kids who hang out here.”

Tracy: “There are so many.”

Chase: “Leo, Jake, Aidan, Scout, Danny, James, Georgie… “

Brook Lynn: “…Wylie, Amelia. Violet can be one of the gang.”

Chase: “The goal is to get Finn into rehab.”

Add Gio, Joss and Trina to the list of young people moving into the Q mansion because — the preposterousness of a sudden apartment for rent over the Quartermaine garage aside — that puts even more people in Tracy’s peevish orbit.

As for Finn, a fellow alcoholic has entered the chat.

Alexis (as he downed booze in front of her): “Oh good. Defiant drinking.”

Finn didn’t like all the “snarky judgment” about his drinking as his life crumbled around him and his AA buddy let him have it.

Alexis: “Violet was living in a house with a wonderful father and now she’s trapped in it with a drunk.”

Finn: “Get the hell out.”

Alexis: “Drunk Finn is mean.”

And not long for PC with an attitude like that.

Speaking of alcoholics, I was hoping DAYS’ Lucas would settle in for a longer stay but at least we got a glimmer of Salem’s funniest son before he sashayed away.

Kate: “You never answered my phone calls.”

Lucas: “I was a little busy trying to capture Clyde Weston.”

Mother and son debated whether he would hide out back at the monastery until his sentence was commuted.

Lucas: “I can’t stand that place. It’s an old building with a bunch of guys in old uniforms. They cut my hair!”

Kate: “How many murderers are there in the monastery?”

Lucas: “Father Sullivan seemed pretty shifty.”

Kate: “I am absolutely not laughing at that.”

We are.

DAYS gypped us out of the payback coming to Sloan by inexplicably sending her packing, so that left the revenge to others. Eric will pursue a “publication divorce,” aided by the guy keeping Eric’s baby son from him.

Eric: “EJ is representing me in my divorce to Sloan. He and I share a mutual desire to stick it to my soon-to-be-ex-wife.

Marlena: “I’m sure EJ has no shortage of ways to stick it to people.”

Doc’s still got it! Stefan knows Eric is Jude’s father and EJ is lying about it, so cue Stefan’s threats: “Clear Gabi tomorrow or else.”

It’s hard to keep track of which DiMera offspring is blackmailing which other DiMera offspring on a day-to-day basis but if the EJ/Stefan/Kristen machinations result in the always-entertaining Gabi getting out of prison it will be worth all the petty backstabbing.

Kristen (to Stefan): “You just going to tunnel her out?”

I’m here for that too!

Hey. It’s only my opinion.