Did the soaps kick the new year off right? Check out what Digest columnist Carolyn Hinsey has to say about what’s happening across the daytime dial.
The Christmas episodes lasted into the new year, which was good because we needed some sarcasm to cut the sappiness. In the end, it added up to (sing along with me!) “Five firing Forresters, four fooled Abbotts, three threatening storms, two stranded preggos and Victor’s tribute from the Kiriakis fami-ly.”
Y&R’s Tessa and Mariah want a baby, so in came a woman in labor during a storm. The birth on the floor of Crimson Lights went well (watch your step, customers!) and then the woman launched into a speech scripted from fortune cookies.
Sonia: “I was supposed to meet you. The universe brought us together for a reason. I had a strength I didn’t know inside me.”
Turned out the whole episode was a “manifestation” brought to Mariah and Tessa in the same dream which sounds to me like Santa was drinking.
Kyle, Summer and Harrison surprised Diane at the Abbott cabin, where she was hiding from a man she stole money from. Diane has suddenly become The Victim despite faking her death and framing half the town for her murder, so the sappy scenes of Jack, Kyle, Summer and Harrison “protecting” her don’t work for me.
Summer: “We are so lucky to have such special families who love us so much!”
Diane: “This is everything I’ve dreamed about for so long.”
As she was driving around L.A. in a Bentley while her son thought she was dead? Spare me.
Team Phyllis! I enjoyed her chastising Summer for firing her at the holidays and Phyllis and Danny congratulating each other on how great Daniel turned out despite neither of them actually raising him. I hope Phyllis and Daniel’s new company buries Marchetti.
Speaking of firing family members at Christmas, watching Thomas get the boot on B&B was strangely satisfying. Eric, Ridge, Brooke, Carter and Hope gave him an F and it wasn’t for Forrester.
Hope: “You used our son to destroy my mother’s happiness.”
Thomas: “I can move forward and grow.”
Ridge: “What are you asking, to forgive you? Your days at Forrester Creations are over.”
Bye! The extended family gathered at Eric’s for eggnog and sharing what they are grateful for. Lots of fortune cookie speeches there, too.
Brooke: “There is beauty and inspiration all around us.”
I’m grateful for Eric’s cute annual piano playing and the fact that Steffy wasn’t there because she’s been on every episode since August.
Later, a storm conveniently knocked out the power at Steffy and Finn’s so Sheila could return for the 900th time. “I want to live in peace and harmony,” said the woman who recently shot both Finn and Steffy and never gets caught.
What are the odds Y&R, B&B and GH all scripted storms for the holidays? Alexis gathered Sam, Kristina and Molly together before great-nephew Spencer turned up to ask how they escaped their bloodline to find happiness.
Alexis: “The girls and I have our own lives but this band of psychopathic murdering megalomaniacs are our family and always will be.”
Spencer: “I’m doomed.”
Alexis: “Genetics don’t dictate our actions. Find out what makes you happy and hang on to that.”
He hightailed it to Trina and the “Sprina” angels sang.
Meanwhile back at the Q’s, every stray in town turned up in the bad weather including a pregnant woman dressed as Mary (!) who went into labor, necessitating a visit from Dr. Britt with Sonny and Sasha in tow.
Olivia: “We’re going to need a bigger lasagna.”
Maxie was reunited with Spinelli (finally!) and Liz had a revelation that while she’s been longing for her birth parents to give a crap about her, the mother of her first boyfriend (Laura) and father of her last husband (Scotty) have been filling those roles all along. Sniff!
I was dreading watching John Aniston’s last episode as Victor on DAYS because he was my fave, but the sarcasm leading up to it helped.
Kristen: “Last-minute shopping?”
Chloe (holding bags): “What gave it away?”
Rachel’s nastiness toward Chloe proved Brady’s need to get his daughter away from Kristen.
Chloe: “I hope you have a Merry Christmas.”
Rachel: “I will because I don’t need to see you.”
Rude! The kid also dropped that mommy and daddy sleep in separate beds so Kristen tried to brag that Brady planted a kiss on Sister Mary Moira thinking she was Kristen.
Chloe: “That nun saw more action than you ever will.”
Cut to the Horton living room where all was right with the world. Doug and Julie talked (one-way) to Hope and then Eli walked in.
Julie: “Who wants to trim the Horton Christmas tree?”
I do! Gwen, who remains vile, pooh-poohed Julie’s doughnuts and got a lecture about Alice ending with …
Julie: “My grandmother also created this beautiful home which you are squatting in.”
Gwen retorted that someday Julie will die and lose her say about the family.
Julie: “There will never be room on the Horton tree for an ornament with your name on it. I’ll send a directive from The Great Beyond.”
Which brings us to Victor, who doled out one-liners right to the end.
Victor (after Sonny invited Leo to stay): “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Get rid of him or you’re fired.”
Sonny fought back, Victor made fun of Leo’s “jam jams” and told him to go back to Whoville but finally caved.
Victor: “I changed my mind because I have a heart of gold.”
The montage of Victor’s greatest hits was epic, including his many weddings, enemies (Stefano!) and the famous “Anybody order a hooker?” line to Eve which embodies everything we loved about him.
Victor: “You know what we are Maggie? Lucky.”
So were we.
And that is not only my opinion.
