It’s Only My Opinion For The Soap Week Ending March 21

(From l.) Y&R’s Phyllis (Michelle Stafford), B&B’s Luna (Lisa Yamada) and Sheila (Kimberlin Brown), BTG’s Martin (Brandon Claybon), DAYS’s Johnny (Carson Boatman) and GH’s Valentin (James Patrick Stuart)

We cut soaps all kinds of slack for time travel, rapid aging and characters marrying 10 times, but stories must have a basic logic to work.

Y&R’s Phyllis and Sharon came out of a three-week hostage situation where they were both drugged and gassed, Phyllis was fed poison, and Sharon’s heart stopped, but neither went to the hospital.

Billy: “When we broke into the building, the room was full of gas. If we were five minutes later, Phyllis and Sharon would be dead.”

Doesn’t that warrant at least a doctor visit?

Nick: “The EMTs checked them out. They said they could go home.”

I don’t know much about dumping a body, faking my death, or hallucinating dead people (all stories Phyllis and Sharon played recently) but I do know that if I was legally dead a few hours ago, I would need a hospital visit and perhaps an EKG (!). And not for nothing, those rescue scenes would have been so much more dramatic if the ladies had been taken on stretchers to the hospital with worried family gathering in the waiting room instead of the windup we got: a trip to Nikki and Victor’s living room.

Billy: “They just want the feel of a safe place.”

Since when is Victor’s couch a safe place for Phyllis and Sharon? After being trapped for three weeks, you’d want a shower and change of clothes in your own house, not a sofa at the home of your former father-in-law who hates you.

Much more logical was Summer telling Nick something was “off” with Phyllis and asking him to check on her.

Summer: “She’s losing her train of thought, she’s so scattered.”

Sharon: “She was drugged. She might need to see a doctor.”

Finally! And bring on more of Summer’s snarkiness about her ex-husband dating her cousin. Claire acts like a Stepford weirdo when they interact, throwing it in Summer’s face how everything is going so great with Kyle.

Claire (re: Harrison): “I’m glad you came and got Kyle when you did.”

Summer (sarcastic): “I’m glad you approve.”

Claire: “You thought you were interrupting our dinner, but you didn’t. Kyle and I were still able to enjoy a wonderful night together.”

Summer’s eye rolls are the most sensible part of that triangle.

GH gave us fun scenes of Liz and Lucky trying to… ahem, reconnect… but it was hard to buy the constant interruptions at her house. They’re in their 40s! Lock the door and get to it. Lucky’s return has been S-L-O-W, so it was frustrating that they were interrupted by Aiden, Carly, and Laura in one episode and Ric in the next.

Lucky (to Ric): “Random people keep dropping by.”

Don’t let them in! After booting the interlopers, Liz turned to Lucky and said, “Finally, we’re alone,” but he had fallen asleep. All together now: It’s so ironic that Lucky can’t get lucky. I’m Team Ric for Elizabeth because his repeated entreaties that he’ll always be there for her are surprisingly heartwarming. Lucky is a proven flat-leaver who abandoned Liz and their kids, while Ric tries hard to be a good dad to Molly. And can you imagine a Ric/Ava/Liz triangle? I can!

Meanwhile, I totally buy that Valentin would break into his old house to retrieve hidden fake passports for him and Charlotte. What a great wink that Valentin’s passport showed James Patrick Stuart’s All My Children character, Will Cortlandt (while the one for Charlotte repped Will’s sister, Melanie Cortlandt). My jury’s out on Valentin mistakenly poisoning Carly instead of Brennan because it makes him such a bad guy, but Anna putting Isaiah on the phone with her daughter Robin — who invented the antidote to polonium poisoning — made it worth it. History matters.

So does humor. Nothing was funnier or more realistic than broke Ava realizing she couldn’t afford a martini and ordering draft beer instead.

Nina (surveying the beer): “Domestic? Is something wrong?”

Nina immediately ordered them expensive drinks, telling Ava to drink beer on her own time. She will, because that’s all she can afford.

When a story is too far-fetched, it helps to have a character call it out. BTG’s Martin did something bad, which the family covered up, yet he’s a Maryland congressman. That doesn’t say much for the due diligence of the press or his political party, but Martin’s grandfather was all over it when he heard Martin wanted to run for higher office.

Vernon: “Have you lost your ever-lovin’ mind?”

Martin: “I think I would make a good president.”

Vernon: “Not the point. No candidate, especially not a Black candidate, could withstand the kind of fallout that would come from learning your secret. Your arrogance has replaced your common sense and that will be your undoing.”

Not to mention the family’s… although Dani’s antics will likely do that first. It defied reason that she was caught on video pulling a gun at her ex-husband’s wedding and had no serious legal ramifications; ditto when she broke into their home.

Pamela (helping cover up the break-in): “Danielle Dupree, you are nothing if not consistent and that is not a compliment.”

Dani: “I’ll admit I’m an ‘act first, ask questions later’ type of gal.”

The games Bill and Dani play with each other are twisted and soapy, but they make them less believable as characters. Dani has a drinking problem, so maybe we buy that, but Bill is supposed to be a famous, high-powered lawyer. How is he letting her get away with felony assault?

Bill: “Ignore Dani.”

Hayley: “She broke into our house! I’m beginning to think you enjoy this.”

Bingo.

Speaking of assault, Johnny’s angry response to learning his father raped his mother many years ago on DAYS was spot-on. He punched EJ in the jaw and recounted the whole story for Chanel as EJ pathetically tried to excuse his actions.

EJ: “Your mother and I put this behind us a long time ago.”

Johnny: “Well, I haven’t. This is a whole new level of sick.”

EJ: “Kate had no right to tell you any of this.”

Johnny: “What about my mom’s right to not be sexually assaulted? The only reason I exist is because my father raped my mother!”

Chanel watched the scene with a devastated look, which highlighted Johnny’s pain. EJ broke down and cried when he was alone — that’s the most believable thing that syringe-wielding kidnapper has done in years.

Which brings us to B&B, where a double murderer now roams free.

Chief Baker: “Luna Nozowa has been pardoned.”

Steffy: “No way.”

Way. No rational reason was given because there isn’t one. In California, a convicted killer must have been off parole for at least 10 years with no further criminal activity to be considered for a pardon (thank you, Google). Luna never even had a trial. She served a few months, got beaten up, and Bill got her out with the excuse that she suffered “significant trauma” in her childhood. Every part of that story defies logic.

Luna: “You understand how damaging traumatic childhoods can be.”

Taylor: “I have patients with backgrounds far more tragic than yours and they’ve managed not to kill anyone.”

It’s hard to see where Bill’s story goes from here. He spent months pretending to woo Sheila (alienating his entire family in the process) to try and bring that killer to justice and then he freed her murderous granddaughter because they had similar childhoods? No.

Ridge (to Bill): “Next time you get lonely, rescue a dog.”

Okay, that I believe.

Hey. It’s only my opinion.