Henry and Vienna were squabbling over what Katie "needs" when she showed up and officially insisted that she and Brad would never be anything more than co-workers again. "I apologize ... I was really close to saying I told you so," snarked a sarcastic Henry, annoying Vienna.

An exhausted Margo came home and was instantly handed a glass of wine by her caring, but apparently forgetful husband (who doesn't seem to mind that she's drinking away her donated liver) and then refreshingly (for soaps) recounted her day, which included Will and Gwen's kidnapping scare and the heartbreaking arrest of Sofie. This got Casey's attention, but he brushed off their suggestion that he call his friends. That's when Katie showed up for the family night and sympathized with Casey's complaints about the life lectures he's been getting, noting that she just got one from Henry and Vienna. They sat down to dinner so that Margo could nag Casey some more about getting back to his life, before he got a call from his prison pal Matt, who claimed he was "free and at large." Casey ran off on family night to meet Matt, who reported that the guard who helped Casey get an early release wants money. Casey admitted that he doesn't have it, but he'll get it. He did by going to straight to the Lakeview and swiping the cash from the register.

Brad was writing a letter when he paused to take inventory of his desk: there was an empty liquor bottle and an OAKDALE NOW promotional shot of Katie and him. After reading back the sappy love note he'd written to Katie, Brad rolled his eyes and headed off to Yo's, where a depressed Henry arrived to gripe that Brad's involvement with Katie has gotten Vienna obsessed, therefore hurting their relationship. Brad was more interested in hearing exactly how Katie described their non-relationship. Once Henry confirmed that he has no chance, he drunkenly blamed Jack. "Please try to remember that the world did not begin with the Snyder brothers," snapped Henry awesomely. "I hate to disillusion you, but Katie had a life before Jack and Brad. "He added some tough love: "If you really do, indeed, love her, would you let her get her act together? Would you let her move on with her life?” Brad proceeded to get truly sloshed, waxing romantic about Katie's sexy eating style and lack of interest in wearing hats. A frustrated Henry dragged him along to a poker game, where Brad lost his shirt and the rest of his clothes to smooth-talker Gray, who was charmed when an annoyed Vienna showed up to collect her man.

Katie spotted Brad stumbling through Old Town in only his cowboy boots and procured a tablecloth to cover him up. His hilarious delight at seeing her quickly irritated Katie, especially when he started sloppily kissing her. A cop showed up to ask if she wanted to press charges against "this pervert." Katie was delightedly weighing the options when Bonnie happened by and saved an enamored Brad from arrest for indecent exposure.

"I couldn't let him hurt you," intoned a dazed Parker, lowering the rifle after Sam fell to floor. When Carly confirmed that she thought her bloodied attacker was dead, Parker dropped the gun and ran off. Carly chased after him, then whisked him off to the church to regroup. After having a bit of a meltdown, Parker wanted to use his trust fund to run away, noting that his mom helped Simon flee justice. "You gave up everything for Simon, but you won't do that for me,"he cried. Carly insisted that she loves him more than anything in the world, but nixed that idea and promised him that Jack will know what to do. She summoned her ex, who first confirmed (with genuine concern) that she was okay, but was then rather flustered to hear that his son shot Sam and they didn't even bother to call an ambulance. He rationally insisted that they have to report the crime sooner rather than later, but Carly convinced him to check on Sam first. Too bad Sam really was dead; Jack was forced to take Parker in, despite Carly's desperate protests. Jack pointed out that Parker acted to protect Carly — by doing exactly what Jack himself probably would have done if he were in the same position — so they have to trust that everything will be okay. Jack called Margo to take "the shooter's" statement; she brought along Tom to be Parker's lawyer. Tom's first job was to stop Margo's interrogation after Parker confessed that he picked up the gun from the Snyder Farm before going to Metro. Tom explained that it will look like a premeditated crime to the DA, who wouldn't necessarily believe that Parker's a psychic. "This boy is in serious trouble," warned Tom. Jack held a tearful Carly as their son was brought down to a holding cell for the night.

Henry snuggled with Vienna while whispering sweet nothings about gorgeous poker hands in his sleep. An annoyed Vienna woke him right up and insisted that he only think about her when he's unconscious, accusing him of a number of dream-related sins and threatening to withhold sex until he rectifies the problem. They argued for a while, but he finally won her back with some serious sweet talk and they ended up rolling around in bed.

Chris reported to Gwen and Will that Hallie can go home tomorrow, then asked after Sofie. Will took a hard line on what should happen to his child's biological mother (jail; throw away the key), suggesting that Chris — who argued for lenience — should put his own cousin over some random kidnapper. At the police station, Sofie wanted to go back to her holding cell rather than talk to Aaron, who visited wearing his superhero cape (the better to talk lawyers and borrowing money from Holden to help), but she blames him entirely for her situation. Chris showed up and soothingly told Sofie that her poorly planned kidnapping attempt was because of postpartum depression, which he would happily testify to in court. He also urged her to get medication and deal with the loss of her daughter. “I have not future if I don't have my baby,” she cried, asking to be left alone. Chris returned to the hospital to again plead Sofie's case to the Munsons. Will still didn't care, but Gwen (as usual) totally softened, noting that they did the exact same thing when they ran off with Billy. Will relented (as usual) and agreed to drop the kidnapping charges, under the condition that Sofie never sees Hallie again.

In Old Town, Alison ran into Casey, who shrugged off her strong suggestion that he stop by the hospital to support the Munsons. “You can't guilt me into this,” he insisted, but she chased after him to the hospital, where Matt ran into them. After reluctantly introducing him to Alison, Casey scolded his buddy for interrupting, then handed over the cash he owes before making it clear that he never needs to see Matt again. Casey headed back to the hospital to helpfully provide the Munsons with the DA's number so they could drop the charges. Too bad a sketchy lawyer had shown up at the station, having read about Sofie's case in The Intruder (way to support former stepson Will, Emily!) and offered to help her get her baby back. Meanwhile, Alison was impressed that Casey finally stepped up to support his pals, so he invited her to lunch, where she apologized for pushing him, but he had no hard feelings. Lisa stopped by to say hello and to gossip that she fired the bartender because of the money missing from the register. He seemed shocked (and obviously guilty) to hear that someone noticed the cash he stole was missing.

There was a range of emotions in Milltown as Jack (optimistic) and Carly (guilty) brought Parker (glumly ready to wash off the stink of a night in jail) home and discussed their strategy for getting Parker out of trouble. Kit interrupted to dramatically excoriate all of them, mostly for not calling to report Sam's death. “He's dead, Kit, because he tried to rape me,” Carly finally shouted, but Kit didn't believe her. Jack kicked her out while was shouting about Parker being a murderer who deserves to be brought to justice. Meanwhile, Margo reported to Tom that the DA wants to charge Parker as an adult, with first-degree murder. She protested that it's not her call, but Tom wanted her to use her influence to help out Jack. He left on a tense note to report to Jack, Carly and Parker, while Margo got a disturbing report from forensics and decided to bring the prime suspect back to Metro to relive the crime. Parker instantly blurted that he wanted Sam dead. After a flurry of protests from Jack and Tom, who quickly stepped in to argue that Parker's a kid and doesn't know how his words can incriminate him, Margo dropped a bombshell: there were two bullets in Sam's body. Carly immediately insisted that Parker only shot Sam once, then proceeded to totally freak out, but it didn't matter: Parker tried but couldn't remember how many times he fired the gun. At home, Jack and Carly bonded over their need to be united front to save Parker.

Tom scolded Margo for ambushing them at Metro, but she insisted that she wouldn't want to see Hal's son get hurt even though she's got to go by the book.

Casey found a shivering Matt on his doorstep and guiltily invited him in to play video games. Matt took special interest in a photo of Tom and Margo, then asked about another portrait (which we didn't see. "Adam. My brother," shrugged Casey, brushing off Matt's questions about him, but when Margo arrived to hear boys at play, she instantly (awesomely) thought Adam was home. She seemed heartbroken to see that her son wasn't back, but bounced back enough to manically interrogate Matt, who claimed to be a friend of Casey's from Oakdale U. It helped that he also pretended to be interested luring Casey back to school and by the time Tom arrived for lunch, Margo had banded with the stranger to pester Casey about his future. Matt (who overheard Margo and Tom lamenting Adam's absence in a private moment) continued to spin a gorgeous lie about how he's run out of money for school and — this one was for you, Tom — he had hoped to go to law school. Before a horrified Casey and a bewildered Tom knew it, Empty Nest Queen Margo was offering to let Matt stay in the guest room. Casey freaked out when they were alone, but Matt assured him it would be fine, then asked if he could get some more money.

Henry and Vienna were arguing about his interest in going to the track when Gray arrived to slimily flirt with Vienna, who was first annoyed, then slightly charmed, which did not go over well with her man. But that didn't stop Henry from joining Gray at another poker game where, possibly because he has a terrible poker face, he lost to Gray big time, then recouped it by going double or nothing. Unfortunately Gray convinced the gambling addict to stay for one more hand, then bested Henry with a royal flush. Henry admitted that all has to cover his bet is the diner. "You give me one night with Vienna and your debt will be forgiven," suggested Gray, doing his best super-slimy Robert Redford. Henry immediately took offense, warning Gray to stay away from Vienna. He then went back to Vienna, who waited with the most darling puppy ever and assumed that he'd been off gambling. He couldn't bring himself to break the news that the diner isn't theirs anymore.

Lucinda sat at the Lakeview and flashed back to the time Dusty warned her that things with Evan's research project would end badly She was guiltily babbling to herself when Paul strolled up with a new plan for getting rid of Craig. They discussed his idea during the commercial break, so we didn't hear the details, but Lucinda was still hesitant about the plan. "What if I told you that I could make Craig Montgomery disappear?" whispered Paul, in his full-on conspiratorial charm mode (a.k.a. "the Paul Svengali"). "Now you're losing me, darling, because the end of the world could come and Craig would be creepy-crawling out of the baseboards." Paul assured her it would work like a charm and then summoned Emily, to make a friendly, somewhat sheepish request for her help.

Meg was cleaning out the office that she rarely used when she found a photo of herself with Paul and tossed it in the garbage. Craig walked in and vowed to win her back, which she promised would never happen, noting how he's alienated everyone, even his own daughter, who stole his son to keep him safe. That got his ire up; calling Paul a "wack job who's even more manipulative and controlling than I am," Craig snarkily wished her luck and stormed off. He was then startled to get a call from Emily, who was of course working with Paul. She asked him to meet her at Yo's, where the staff was kind enough to play a theme song "Sympathy For The Devil" for him as he entered. Em played her part in the scheme beautifully, dangling a tip about how Lucinda's prepping to call Lucy today at 3 o'clock, so all he has to do is follow her. He bit: at a wooded crossroads (appropriate), Craig got out of his car and was ridiculously conspicuous as he stood on the otherwise empty road and watched Lucinda step out of her limo to make a cell phone call, supposedly to Lucy. With his supersonic villain hearing (not unlike his sister Katie's supersonic jilted bride hearing), he picked up the conversation from about 50 feet away. Craig listened as an overacting Lucinda let it "slip" that Lucy is in Barbados with Johnny, who also has a new "father figure" (just to twist the knife).

Paul headed to WorldWide offices, where he proudly announced to Meg that he's the new owner of that particular establishment, adding that Lucinda has had a change of heart because of her experiences and wants to spend more time with her family. "If you ever need a home, you're always welcome here," he said seductively, though he was trying to be professional. Meg found his suggestion that they embark on a business-only relationship amusing, but turned him down. Paul found their picture in the trash after she left.

Lucinda met with Paul and Emily to report that Craig took the bait. Indeed, Craig boarded a flight for Barbados. La Walsh perhaps forgot that she'd given WorldWide to Paul (Or was that just part of the ruse?) when she noted that her company is called "WorldWide" so she can certainly keep Craig on an international wild goose chase. Paul sweetly thanked Em for her help (she promised to let him know what she wants in return), then looked at the photo of him with Meg and remembered an overhead shot of himself in bed with Meg, who remembered the same thing from the Snyder kitchen table. Em returned to find the picture in Paul's hand. "It's never gonna happen; you know that. Meg's never gonna forgive you," she noted, without malice, but he isn't ready to give up.

In an extra-special Valentine's Day episode, Oakdale's couples imagined what life would be like if they didn't have each other (and, in some cases, if they also lived in period films.)

Lily read Lucinda's Valentine's Day card to Holden, featuring La Walsh's new motto: "Life is too short to live without love." Then came a gorgeous slew of Lily and Holden flashbacks, but Holden provided a buzz kill by noting how close he was to losing her when she was attacked by Evan. We saw a new version of their scuffle in which Lily got poked with the poison hypodermic, leaving Holden a harried widower juggling kids in the Snyder kitchen. We were then asked to imagine that a) there were no longer 17 other people living at the farm to help out and b) Holden is suddenly much less competent than he has been in the last two years, when he's been the one the keep the family together while Lily went off the deep end. Anyway, Holden lamented that single parenting is hard, as an ignored Faith fell into self-loathing on the porch. That's when her ghost mom (in a weird cardigan and trendy belt) appeared and told her all about her future boyfriends. Faith was cheered up and saved from falling back into bulimia or worse, so she tore up her "Faith hates Faith" diary entry and drew a big heart instead. Inside, Holden magically got all the chores done, then saw ghost Lily and realized that she had made brownies, fixed homework, soothed the baby from heaven. She reminded him that "bodies can be separated, but not souls. Not soul mates." Outside, they tearfully talked about how they weren't individually perfect, but they were perfect together, before Holden, with the sheer strength of his love, seemed to will her back to life, and kissed her in the flesh. (It's odd how Holden kind of became GH's Nikolas in his fantasy.)

Noah gave Luke a V-day card that said, "The best thing that ever happened to me is you." They were interrupted in yet another kiss for a lame reason — a random bystander — before Noah pointed out that if he hadn't met Luke, he would have enlisted and everything would be different. Luke imagined him as a sexy sailor and launched into a fleet week fantasy, where college student Luke (who was very careless with his important homework) had an encounter with Noah (who had refused his shipmmate's strip club invite) that ended with Luke giving Noah a tour of the city. Highlights: a lesson on Greenwich village at the corner of Christopher and Gay (where Luke had always felt "weird" coming alone), a brief mention of the 1969 Stonewall Riots, and some deep musings about immigrants ("Here in America, you could be anything you wanted to be. Even gay.") in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty, which is where Noah awkwardly came out to Luke ... and they held hands some more instead of kissing as they would have if they weren't on daytime TV. "This was the best shore leave ever," said Noah when they got back to his sailboat (there was no aircraft carrier available?). He gave Luke his "bravery" medal (alter-Noah must have fought in some sort of bizarro world naval battle) and asked him to wait for him. The boys then shared a big romantic kiss. (Just kidding! But there was a passionate hug.)

Tom and Margo got all punny with their wishes, sprinkling in police and lawyer references. "Just think, if you'd failed your exam, our lives would be very different right now." Margo joked that she would have taken the bar exam and become a defense attorney. Their fantasy went black and white, where they spoke in arch, 40s-style dialogue (including an impressive Katharine Hepburn accent from Margo), sipped martinis, gave each other massages, and blew secret kisses to each other in court, where she defended Emily Stewart for shooting Paul Ryan. Paul thuggishly testified that Emily is "Nuts. Certifiable." A weepy, simple Em took the stand and squeaked out a hilariously incriminating explanation for her actions ("I bought it that day ... to shoot my fiancé," she said matter-of-factly when asked when and why she got the gun) and recounted how she'd found Paul with a vampy Meg and shot him. But Margo, on cross-examination, got the judge to throw out the case, citing a conflict of interest for Tom because Emily. Paul and Emily locked eyes across the room and then fell into a kiss. At home, Tom tricked Margo into admitting that she won unfairly, and they kissed and made up.

Will brought Gwen her present: a framed photo of them. She started giggling, because it turns out hers was the same. She got him a card, though: "Life is too short to live without love," it said, borrowing from Lucinda. "That was me: a life without love before you came along," recalled Gwen, as though she was already a pathetic spinster at age 18. We all know that Will basically wishes they had met in pre-school, but settled for "sooner" — that is, before she had sex with Casey. However, in his fantasy, there were some marked differences: he wasn't the same defensive surly teen that caused Gwen to call him a "freak" when they met; Gwen was still all toughness and attitude but he didn't hate her at first sight like he actually did back when Alison first set them up; the Itty Bitty Kitty Crew had more of a singer-songwriter vibe, as opposed to punk rock. Getting the worst revisionist treatment was Casey, who in Will's version was about to sexually assault Gwen when Will interrupted and beat him up. (Isn't what the show did to Adam enough?!) In the fantasy, Will tracked a standoffish Gwen to Yo's, where he proceeded to fall madly in love with her as she sang. After a Before Sunset-style night on an Old Town bench, they were a couple. The best part was seeing Gwen back in that scrappy, spunky mode that first charmed us.

Sage sent Jack a card from "Carly" but stupidly signed it in red crayon, thus exposing her clever ruse. Jack and Carly laughed about how their relationship is basically a bad Lifetime version of The Philadelphia Story. In the fantasy, Sage begged a gorgeously clad Carly (in the Hepburn role) not to marry Mr. Potter, a rich man who smells ("That's the smell of old money," insisted Carly) and reunite with Jack (Cary Grant) instead. Brad (Jimmy Stewart) and Katie (Ruth Hussey) were gossip reporters (he was infatuated with Carly but eventually realized he loved Katie). "I come to all of Carly's weddings. Somehow they never seem to stick," a cool Jack told Katie at the bar as they discussed being losers at love. At the end of the day, Jack found Carly in a clinch with Brad and punched him out. Brad ended up getting hitched to his "gal Friday" Katie, while Jack took Carly home and gave her a Valentine's kiss.

A hungover Brad guilted Katie about not helping out his naked self when in Old Town. She had just rejected his breakfast invitation when Bonnie arrived to cheekily return his wallet and underwear, which (she explained to a clearly jealous Katie) she got from the cops. "I kind of lost my appetite," shrugged Katie when Brad asked her to join him for breakfast again. He then asked Bonnie, but she was on her way to court. He wanted to tag along, which drove Katie nuts. Poor Bonnie — always the second choice — called him on his attempts to make Katie jealous when they were alone.

Also ready for court was her client Will, who gave Gwen a Valentine's Day card from Hallie, approved her outfit as appropriately maternal, and assured her that everything would work out in the custody hearing.

Chris met Sofie at the courthouse, where she explained that her lawyer has changed her mind about getting her baby back. Chris reminded her that Will is his cousin, so it's kind of awkward to be testifying on her behalf. But the lawyer called his testimony vital and Sofie gave him the doe eyes that work so well on Aaron, so Chris agreed.

Outside the hearing, Sofie reiterated her intention to be Hallie's only mother to the Munsons. Barbara showed up, to Will's chagrin, but it turned out Gwen invited her in hopes of presenting a united family front to the judge. The hearing, in which everyone in the room was basically asked to testify at all times whether they were on the stand or not, proceeded: Will was livid to see Chris help Sofie with the whole postpartum angle; Barbara was forced to confess her collusion with Iris and Cole, but wouldn't admit to pressuring Sofie; Sofie accused Babs of trying to buy her baby and testified about Cole's terrible treatment; after Sofie hugged Chris to thank him for his help, Will confronted his cousin for taking sides; Babs, typically, faulted Chris for ruining everything, but then backtracked and took some of the blame for herself. In the end, Bonnie reminded Sofie of how she explained all of her rights, including the fact that she had a certain amount of time to change her mind, at the time that she signed the contract. (She also noted that Sofie kidnapped the baby.) Despite this progress, a worried Bonnie asked for more time, and asked Will and Gwen if there is anyone else who could testify against Sofie. The only person they could think of is Aaron, but worried that he'd be reluctant to do so.

Parker got all dressed up to visit a psychiatrist, who will be asked to recommend whether or not he's tried as an adult. At the station, Parker got some final words of encouragement from his parents and went in to meet with the shrink, who got the whole story that we've all heard about three times at this point, regarding the night Sam was shot. Jack and Carly supported each other with some serious Carjack Looks and even handholing as they waited. Katie broke that up when she arrived for lunch with Margo. Jack told her about the Parker mess and she gave Jack a hug. Carly stood by and finally interrupted when Katie suggested that she would be there to support Parker: "We don't need friends like you! Just get the hell out of here, Katie! Just get away from me and my family!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. Parker had heard her shouting in the room and came out to tell his mom to chill. After a quick word of encouragement from Katie, he went back inside. After a burned Katie scurried off, Jack scolded Carly, but then calmed her worries that it's her fault Parker shot Sam. He suggested that they not make it about themselves and focus on their son. Good thing, too, because the psychiatrist, having witnessed Parker's reaction to Carly's blowup, questioned Parker about his relationship with his mother, wondering if he ever gets "angry enough [at her] to kill." Parker insisted he wasn't trying to hurt his mother, only Sam — and "I'd kill him again if I had the chance," he yelled.

During a break in the custody hearing, Brad gave Bonnie some sweetly goofy compliments ... and a kiss on the cheek when he saw Katie arrive. Katie reported that Parker's in trouble and Jack would appreciate his support. Brad headed straight to the station, where he offered them whatever help they need as Katie wisely waited outside. Over lunch, they (flirtatiously) decided to work together to help Parker, who came out of his meeting to report to his parents that it went really badly. Tom amended that it wasn't so terrible and the doctor has a reputation for being fair. That said, "You should learn to maintain your cool," he advised Carly, noting that he has good relationship with the D.A. At home, Carly worried to Jack that if his relationship was so good, why couldn't he keep his own son from going to jail? They then forced Parker to sit down and eat lunch ("Why, so I can get big enough to go to a grown-up jail?" he snarked.), but first Jack said grace, asking God to protect the family.