So I've already loosed my venom on B&B's poor Katie Logan. Now that I've gotten all that bile out of my system I'm actually at a very zen place with Katie. I don't mind her anymore. Clearly it's time I cleansed some more and came to terms with a few other characters who drive me nuts. Oddly enough, the topic of today's spewage is also a Katie ... GH's Kate Howard. Now, when it occurred to me that #2 on my soap opera dart board had the same moniker as #1, I started wondering if I had deep-seeded Kate Issues. There was a girl in high school named Kate who was really mean to me. Maybe I'm just lashing out at poor, unsuspecting Kates and Katies because of that? Except that theory doesn't hold water. I like all the other Kates I know. DAYS' Kate Roberts, my boss' cute daughter, Kate Hudson ... oh, wait, there's Katie "Kate Cruise" Holmes, but I don't think that counts.

Where was I?

Help! I don't know what's happening, but it appears that my fondness for NIGHT SHIFT's Claire (see, I'm even using her name) is growing in direct proportion to how much my interest with the rest of the show is waning. The pacing for this week was SO slow. I only cracked a smile a few times, like when Patrick and Jagger had an über-awkward conversation at the beginning of the episode, and when Epiphany called a pestering Claire "Miss CSI Flower Unit." Oh, and when Leo reached up and tousled his "little brother" Kyle's hair in the locker room. Aw! I did love Epiphany and Robert's heart-to-heart about their kids and Kyle talking to Patrick about wanting a family someday, but the rest of the time, my mind wandered. I don't want to be bummed about this show. Stop it!

Today, let's check in with AS THE WORLD TURNS. Remember my Poor Defenseless Friend from my July 24 Todd and Marty post? The other night, I totally talked ATWT at her. Fortunately, she used to watch it back in the day so she wasn't completely lost.

Okay. Uncle, uncle! I give, I give. Leo's a jerk. Last night's NIGHT SHIFT opened with him being so crass to Saira about their locker room hookup that I can't keep defending the guy, no matter how much chemistry they have. Waving her bra at her? What are we, in high school? As someone said to me the other day, "I don't like nuLeo; he's angry and he's short." "Maybe he's angry BECAUSE he's short?" I cracked. I mean, Napoleon complex much? All kidding aside, it goes back to my thing about the show trying to emulate the early Patrick/Robin dynamic. There are two problems with that: we already have a Patrick and Robin, and Patrick wasn't written so clunky. I can't speak for anyone else, but even when he was an arrogant cad I liked the guy.

So, we're on NIGHT SHIFT week three, and I have to admit that I do think season one was stylistically better. The writing was tighter and the production values were slicker. But the content this season feels more true to what GH is. Shameless soap hussy that I am, I'm pretty easy to please as long as you hit all the basics: family drama, romance and shirtlessness.

Now, on with last night's episode.

True confession time: B&B's Katie Logan drives me absolutely crazy. Up the wall, back down, and across the street to pick up some Valium. That's not to say I hate Heather Tom. She's fantastic and she completely rocked the scenes on the Marlin where Katie told Nick she's expecting their bundle of adulterous joy. But Katie herself...? Oh, man. Has there ever been a character more undeserving of the worship every single other character in town bestows on her? You'd think Katie found the cure for AIDS, solved World Hunger, and invented Botox. But no, even the Forresters, who hate anybody named Logan, adore her simply because she breathes.

Our cable's out again. And, okay, for those of you who don't have the luxury of working in an office with TVs, I’m sure you're thinking, "Cry me a river, Mala." But this is serious, people! Watching our soaps on a daily basis is part of our bread and butter, and when we were soap-less this past Monday, the culture of misery permeating the office was palpable. Now, it's TV-less in Manhattan: The Sequel. Everyone is walking around all bummed because there's nothing to shoot e-mails back and forth about. Not to mention that it’s eerily silent in the department because you can't hear the tinny voices coming from each office. It's creepy. Like a Japanese horror film. (Which probably means I shouldn't pop in a videotape of soaps to tide me over, right?)

Watching a show at 11 p.m. is a strain on even my rather impressive TV-watching stamina, so I've been setting a tape and watching NIGHT SHIFT the next morning over coffee. Episode two of the series proved stronger than the season premiere, which suffered a little from being an info dump for new viewers and introducing newbies Claire and Kyle.

Thanks to the 40th anniversary episodes, I felt compelled to tune in to ONE LIFE TO LIVE last night on SOAPnet. I shouldn't have. I really, really shouldn't have. I was going to post a really vehement, bile-laden ramble about Marty and Todd. Instead, I'll just let the Instant Messenger session I had with a poor, defenseless, non OLTL-watching friend do the talking for me.

Want to know the best way to spoil a perfectly delightful 40th anniversary celebration? Slap an atrocious black wig and dark makeup on a milk-pale redhead and direct her to suffer through a Spanish accent that makes Speedy Gonzalez sound more authentic.