Who Am I?
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QUESTIONS
1. Who does this Lily Snyder think she is? I’m Oakdale’s sweetheart. I wept my way through the early ’80s, when everyone loved me and everything in town revolved around me. I was in love with Steve, this really cool guy from the wrong side of the tracks, but Craig and the forces of fate conspired against us and all these horrible things happened to me, and I cried and cried and cried. Finally, Steve and I had the wedding of the decade and everyone was happy for us. Sadly, the fairy-tale was not to last: Steve’s still in prison (I think), I’m living abroad and my daughter, Danielle, and my grandma, Ellen, and I have been completely forgotten. Worst of all, my slutty half sister, Emily and her homewrecking mother, Susan, are all that’s left of the once-prominent Stewarts — they’ve completely destroyed the family name!
2. I blame Dusty for everything. He came back to town, and he pretended to be all chummy with my best friend, Paul. Sure, I kept falling off the wagon and getting caught up in my own things, but Paul and I were buds! Meanwhile, the holidays came and went, but did I get any seasons greetings from anyone back home? I’m helping raise the kid that Lily and Holden thought was theirs for almost a year, so you’d think they would at least drop us a card. Meanwhile, has anyone seen my dad? It’s like he just disappeared! I tried calling, but the voicemail at the hospital must be down because I can’t seem to track down my brother, Chris, either….
3. Hóla! I’m still over here in sunny Spain, happily co-habitating with my girl, Connor, but my idiot kid brother went back home to Oakdale, and it’s been one problem after another since. I’ve told him the ladies there are nothing but trouble for sensitive-yet-uncomplicated men like us. Look at what happened between me and Lily, the woman who lured me back there with her damsel-in-distress situation in the first place. And don’t even get me started on the problems that Connor and I ran into — it got so bad that I ran off and impulsively married this FBI agent who wouldn’t even tell me her name, partly because we’d had this really awesome bubble bath (yeah, helping women bathe runs in the family). It’s cool, I’m happy now. I just wish I could cheer up my sister. She’s been pretty bummed for the last eight years — still hung up on that rich Paul guy. Oh, well, I’ve gotta run — I’m building this really hot treehouse near Seville. It’s gonna be so romantic! Connor will be thrilled and titillated, which is great because I really need a new haircut.
4. Dude, it’s so not cool how back in Oakdale, it’s all about Katie, Margo and Craig. My mom is their sister, too, but do they ever think of her? Of course not — no one ever talks about my (kinda quirky) branch of the Montgomery family tree. I came to Oakdale in 2001 and within two months, I took Jennifer’s virginity — she just couldn’t resist me in my sweaty construction worker mode, even though she claimed to be in love with my cousin, Bryant. And okay, technically, you could say that Jen and I were to blame for Bryant’s death because he got in the car accident after he found out about us (as hard as we tried, we just couldn’t control our insatiable lust!). But I’ve since been left to rot in a Scottish castle, and not surprisingly, no one has come to rescue me, so I think that’s punishment enough. I wonder if Jen is seeing anyone now?
5. Help! Remember me? James made my husband and I “disappear” from the docks back in 1998. We weren’t perfect (especially him), but people really thought we were a cute couple, so we didn’t deserve this kind of ending. Especially because everyone else who has been kidnapped by James in the last seven years has been found thanks to massive search-and-rescue missions, and yet my sister, Lucinda, never even really looked for me. Now she’s gone and hired Stenbeck’s son for the job that my husband used to have! Then, James went to jail and now he’s on the lam with some kid, so I’m pretty sure he forgot where he stashed us. Help!
Conversation
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