If Weekly's Mala Bhattacharjee and Joe Diliberto watch the same soap episode at the same time, they quickly start trading places atop the soapbox, leading to a case of She Said, He Said. Here's their take on the Feb. 26 episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS.

Mala: I need to cleanse after watching the Fusion girls on ALL MY CHILDREN try to pole dance. Please, please cleanse me, ATWT.
Joe: Can I just say that Annie's suggestion of marketing stripper perfume is not the way the way to go — it just smells cheap. Don't ask how I know that. Oh, look, what's more wholesome than a baby?
Mala: Support her head, Gwen! OMG! She's just letting poor Hallie flop around like a rag doll!
Joe: See what happens when someone other than a guy holds a baby?
Mala: Seriously. Clearly a man's place is always with the children. Bonus points if he's barefoot in the kitchen making pie, too.
Joe: ...and carefully keeping the child away from the hot oven!
Mala: Well, yes, we wouldn't want him accidentally baking the child and burping the strawberries and rhubarb. These things require just a little finesse.
Joe: Hey, Gray knows his Lord Byron! Apparently he's not a such a sleaze?
Mala: Please. Like every fourth-rate Lothario on the planet doesn’t know enough poetry to at least spout off ONE line of "She Walks in Beauty."
Joe: I think Vienna should be a little less star-struck by all these diamonds Gray is offering her. She used to live the jet-setting life and be dripping with diamonds and champagne. She should say, "I've seen bigger."
Mala: It's probably because she's in diamond withdrawal after being up to her elbows in pepparkakor.
Joe: Henry just said, "once more unto the breach." Something tells me a frustrated literature major wrote today's script!
Mala: A frustrated literature major is watching today's script, too.
Joe: I see Matt supported Hallie's head right away.
Mala: I noticed the exact same thing. Apparently they teach you those kinds of things in prison!
Joe: Well, they do try to train cons to become useful citizens. Surely there is a market for nannies (or rather mannies) with rap sheets.
Mala: Oh, of course. And that's why Casey looked so wigged to see Matt holding Hallie. He's jealous that HE didn't take the manny training class and is stuck slinging brews at the Lakeview.
Joe: Also, it appears manny training impresses porn stars... Casey missed the boat.
Mala: I bet Casey regrets taking those cosmetology classes now!
Joe: No, I think it's a safe bet he didn't go to barber school.
Mala: What tipped you off? What I’ve dubbed his "Zarf hair"? On the plus side, at least Parker finally got a trim! Now if they could fix Alison's highlights, I'd be at coif-related peace.
Joe: I think Hallie made a fashion-forward choice, going bald. Very brave of her.
Mala: Speaking of brave, Will isn't supporting her head either! If only the judge could see them now. He'd reverse his decision!
Joe: LOL. "Take her to New York if you must, Sofie, just as long as you SUPPORT HER DAMN HEAD!"
Mala: Heck, he'd probably give custody to Matt, ex-con or no! And did I miss something? WHAT is up with Sofie cuddling Paul?
Joe: I was just sitting here thinking, "Why is she talking to Paul like this?"
Mala: She thinks Paul is one of the dwarves to her Snow White? I nominate Dopey!
Joe: I think he's a new dwarf: Wacko.
Mala: And let's not forget Chris: BabyDoc! (Not to be confused with Duvalier.) She just needs four more and she has a whole set.

PAST OPINIONS
January 2, 2008