July 18, 2008
My favorite soap of 2007 returns on Tuesday, and I couldn't be happier. No, seriously. If GENERAL HOSPITAL: NIGHT SHIFT was a person, I'd be throwing my arms around its knees and crying, "You're back! Never leave me again!" Sure, it returns with a different cast, and different stories (I'm SO bummed that we'll never know what happened to Lainey and Cody or Andy and Kelly), but at the core, it's the same: It's about a hospital, it has familiar faces, it's cutting edge, and it's diverse.

No, it's not just diverse, it has an Indian head writer in Sri Rao and an Indian lead character in Saira Batra. ZOMG. Soon we're going to take over the world! Ahem. Just kidding. In all seriousness, though, I love the fact that we're going to see Leo and Saira right alongside Patrick and Robin. Do you know how long I've waited to see my heritage reflected on a soap opera? I can't even tell you. Pretty much since the womb? Then, on top of that, you have two brown people getting involved with one another. Eee! Is it too early to start waving my Leo/Saira banner? Can we give them a nickname? ('Seo' sounds like a cell phone company; 'Laira' sounds like the lead in a Philip Pullman book.) I'm almost more thrilled by Leo and Saira than I am by Antonio Sabato, Jr. returning as Jagger — and let me tell you, I'm pretty darned thrilled about that. I have never gotten over Jagger and Karen's offscreen breakup on PORT CHARLES and refuse to believe he cheated on her with his partner. (La-la-la-la. Didn't happen. I'm not listening.) So I'm absolutely delighted to see Jagger back and reuniting with his old high school pal, Robin. I feel like I'm a teenager again, watching him work at Kelly's under Ruby's watchful eye and flailing over the adventures of Tristan Rogers' Robert Scorpio.

But despite the hearkening back to the past, NIGHT SHIFT's return, to me, is a return to the here-and-now of daytime: A fully integrated cast that includes veteran favorites, tight writing, stories that move quickly and slick production values. I look at this show and I think, "Man, why can't GH itself be like this?" The potential is right there. Then again, if GH had all of this going on, we wouldn't have NIGHT SHIFT, would we? And that would just be a shame!

July 11, 2008
I've already admitted I basically have GENERAL HOSPITAL on for background noise these days. Who wants to tune in for young guys going psycho with axes, roughing up women and getting killed, right? Yuck. It's summer. Where's the romance and where are the abs? This is half the reason why BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL and AS THE WORLD TURNS were so much fun this week...gratuitous shirtlessness abounded! Bless you, Eric and Donna, for throwing a pool party. We should have a pool party every Friday on every show during these steamy summer months, while the other four days a week are devoted solely to vets and family-driven storylines. (Swimsuits optional.) That's the other half of why B&B and ATWT were so much fun this week: Forresters and Hugheses and Stewarts, oh my!

Uh, wait...did I have a point somewhere in there? I think I did. Ah, yes, GH is depressing. But instead of continuing to kvetch, I propose an idea to shake things up. It's actually an idea I co-hatched with Samantha, our intern: "Hit Jason on the Head; Win Steve Burton an Emmy." That pretty much sums it up, though it doesn't quite roll off the tongue. Picture it — Jason gets into his umpteenth Mob brawl and lands in the hospital with a cracked noggin. When he awakens, he is Jason Quartermaine again. Bewildered, confused, more than 10 years older, he now has to be told that almost his entire family is dead. No Alan, no AJ, no Emily, no Lila. Can you imagine? All there is left of the Qs are Monica, Tracy and Edward, who would be so, so shaken and ecstatic about Jason Q's return. Then, slowly, his awareness of his life as Jason Morgan comes back, too, and he has to reconcile his two identities. You know Steve Burton would be awesome. That elusive Lead Actor Emmy he's been missing these last few years could be well within his grasp.

Not to mention that it could be the perfect way to bring back Vanessa Marcil's Brenda, because she's one of the few people left that Jason would know from before. His prom date and housemate, she and his old pal Robin would both try and anchor him and help him grapple with who he's become. The ripple effect of Jason's transformation would touch Sonny, Carly, Elizabeth, Lucky, and baby Jake... and probably impact the whole canvas. Man, I'm actually salivating over the possibilities like somebody put a big, juicy steak in front of me.

That's better than gratuitous beefcake.

That would make me tune in again.

Wishful thinking, right? I know. Thank goodness NIGHT SHIFT starts on July 22!

July 4, 2008
I guess it's fitting that on a day so resonant in American history, I'm all giddy over soaps nodding to their history. Daniel and Chelsea on DAYS OF OUR LIVES may skeeve me out, but their union can be lauded this week, because of the hilarious conversation between Doug, Bo, Julie and Hope about how Bo and Hope's relationship didn't exactly warm the cockles of Doug's heart. How funny was Bo trying to trump up excuses for why Daniel is bad for Chelsea and Doug countering with Daniel being a doctor as opposed to how Bo was just a shiftless no account? LOL! And, okay, I admit that Daniel and Chelsea were cute for a few seconds when they arrived at the Fourth of July bash together and Daniel got hauled off for a lecture by Victor. But I am NOT surrendering! Nuh-uh. I remain strong in my anti-Chan stance. (Y'all are giving me about two weeks before I cave, aren't you?)

Flipping channels to CBS, I got a ginormous kick out of Tom and Margo's 25th anniversary party on AS THE WORLD TURNS. It was just like watching a real family get-together, complete with bickering and that one relative that always gets inappropriately drunk (Hi, Chris!). When Lisa chided Casey for interrupting her already distracted toast with a "Quiet, Casey, or I'm gonna shoot you!" I fell out. Anyone else think that wasn't just Lisa talking to Casey but Eileen Fulton talking to Billy Magnussen? The whole Hughes clan just has such a natural, believable vibe. Scott Holmes (Tom) and Ellen Dolan (Margo) really seem like a snarky married couple, and it's a shame that new viewers like myself missed their heyday. Luckily, we got flashbacks! Yay! I'm a self-proclaimed flashback junkie. I can never get enough of them. And it was namecheck central, too! Cricket, John, Andy, Sabrina, Lien, all of Lisa's husbands...I almost cried, I was so giddy.

The one sour note was that these beautiful scenes of family togetherness were juxtaposed with Paul wrapping up Sofie's body and burying it. Was that really necessary? Are we really supposed to think Paul is a hero for covering up a pregnant girl's murder? It's despicable. Sofie may have become unhinged, but she was, at the core, a sweet girl and a loving mother. Dumping her in a hole like a dog burying a bone in the backyard was a terrible indignity.

Another show engaging in a terrible indignity this week...? GENERAL HOSPITAL, by having a war veteran attack two young women. Epic fail, guys. I would say more on the über-sore subject, but I'm saving my full Logan rant for print. Check out a future issue for my ire. Until then, Happy 4th of July!

June 30, 2008
I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but why do soaps, soap actors and soap viewers all get such a bad rap? Sometimes, I feel like everywhere I turn, all I see is scorn for the genre. Sports fans are lauded for their loyalty, for having pricey season tickets, lucky chairs and lucky hats. The cast of the SOPRANOS, the showrunners for LOST...they all get kudos for being SO talented. But soap operas are the redheaded stepchildren of media. I can't even tell you how many times I've gotten the "ew!" look from people when I mention where I work, or, worse, the "oh, that's too BAD!" look. Like soaps are something to be ashamed of. Baseball fangeekiness is acceptable; sci-fi fangeeking means you're probably a brainy nerd, but soaps...? GASP! Heck, furries probably look down on soap fans. (If you don't already know, don't ask.)

People assume that soaps are just 40 minute filler between pitches for stay-at-home-moms to buy paper towels and toys... that soaps are unimaginative and created by people who couldn't get "real jobs" in Hollywood. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Look at the CGI used during the Metro Court hostage crisis on GENERAL HOSPITAL and the choreography of all those action sequences. That was freakin' awesome. Watch Cassie's death arc on YOUNG AND RESTLESS. Talk about some of the most exquisitely painful and authentic writing and acting! I would rather watch GUIDING LIGHT’s Kim Zimmer doing Reva's "Slut of Springfield" speech on repeat than ever watch Nicolas Cage's Oscar-nominated performance in LEAVING LAS VEGAS again. I'm a total sucker for Jack and Carly's 10-year saga on AS THE WORLD TURNS, whereas that loved-by-women-the-world-over hit, The Notebook, made me laugh my butt off. And for all the "soap actors suck" snobbery, Julianne Moore, Brad Pitt, Meg Ryan, and Demi Moore are just a few people who got their start amidst the suds. For all those SUPERNATURAL and SMALLVILLE fangirls who think Jensen Ackles and Justin Hartley are sooo hotttt...where do you think they came from?

One of the things that I always see soap detractors saying is that you can quit watching a soap for years, come back, and nothing has changed. O RLY? I’m sorry, but saying GENERAL HOSPITAL under Gloria Monty is exactly like GH under Jill Farren Phelps would be like saying there's no difference between a Woody Allen film and a Michael Bay explode-a-thon because they're both movies. The oldest soap on air is 71 years old... I’m thinking it has changed in all that time. (Okay, anybody watching GL this year knows that firsthand!) Soaps have definitely adapted to the times, have absolutely played with storytelling conventions and taken chances and pioneered storylines that primetime TV would take years to come up with. Soaps have tackled interracial relationships, abortion, gay rights, the AIDS crisis and autism. They’ve mined society's darkest issues, like rape, and turned them inside out. (Something I don't necessarily agree with, but there you have it.) Soaps are not amateurish, fluffy, idiot fodder. (Hey, I know you're all thinking about PASSIONS, but you have to admit that its wholehearted embracing of camp is admirable.)

And let's not forget the most important part! Anyone who works for one of the magazines or one of the shows knows full well that you can't fool a hardcore soap fan. They're smart, and woebetide anyone who forgets one of Erica's husbands on AMC or who kills someone off publicly and brings them back to life (yes, B&B, I mean Taylor and I'm looking at you). People who watch soaps come from all walks of life, all educational levels, all genders and all sexual orientations. They aren't just housewives (Hi, Mom!)...and, really, where does anyone get off using the "just housewives" tag anyway? Housewives are not chopped liver! My mom ran a household and raised two kids, and she is way sharper than anybody I've met in a New York bar claiming to have an MBA. Of course, the MBA would probably sneer at hearing I work for Weekly, while my mom was the first person I called when I met GH's Tristan Rogers (Robert) back in 2005.

So why all the haters? Why is watching a soap something we need to whisper and blush about? Personally, I'm proud to be a soap opera viewer, and proud to work in the soap opera industry. If that makes me a redheaded stepchild, so be it. Just call me Ginger!

June 27, 2008
So, I've already mentioned that I'm generally okay with GH's Jerry holding everybody hostage at Metro Court last year and still being around. Basically, as long as 90% of Port Chuck continues to treat him like he's scum, I'll be fine. Once everyone decides he's made of sunshine and puppies, however, it's a different matter. He's actually teetering on the edge for me right now because he filled Alexis' office with flowers and is all googly-eyed. Stop that! You're a villain! I feel like there are things that a show shouldn't "get over." It's one of my biggest pet peeves to see a character's ugliest moments glossed over and explained away.

Here are some of my biggest "Oh, HELL no" moments in daytime: (Warning, there are some YouTube clips, and they are disturbing.)

1. AMC's Ryan going all AngerBoy on Greenlee just because she wanted a baby and he didn't. Not only did he grab her and verbally abuse her, but he faked his death just to get away from her and her baby. How does everybody in PV still think this man is a prize?

2. GH's Sonny shooting Carly in the head while she was giving birth. Bullet. Head. Need I say more? I have no idea how every woman Sonny's been with manages to get out that obligatory "you're a good man" mantra without choking. Heck, I should probably give Sonny a separate number on the list for Karen and the Paradise Lounge...

3. GL's Jonathan seducing his own virginal cousin, Tammy. Yeah, I know they turned into this "great love story" within a year, but honestly, that part bored me to tears. The fact that this messed-up creep had a twisted love for Tammy was interesting. When they forgot he was an incestuous creep? Trite and insulting.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=_vFOnhLUDms

4. DAYS' EJ forcing Sami to have sex with him to save Lucas' life. WHY hasn't Roman shot him in the face? They've full-on forgotten this little gem in Salem, but since this is the same town where nobody remembers Jack raped Kayla, I shouldn't be surprised. Pretty soon they're going to give EJ the "Man of the Year" award. Ick.

5. GH's Ric putting Carly in the Panic Room. How did this guy end up married to Alexis and in the position of district attorney after he did that? He was going to murder Carly for her fetus! He almost suffocated his wife, Elizabeth (whom he drugged and seduced so he could nab Carly). Did we ever see him in therapy? In jail? Taking some antipsychotics? Nope! It was just: Voila! Ric's a law-abiding citizen.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=aAs_-js8iV0

6. OLTL's Todd and Marty. They've finally remembered what a nutjob Todd can be, but for a long stretch of years, he was just a "wacky guy," and, "Hey, a guy who loves his kid can't be all that bad!" Then, of course, they had crazy Margaret (which is also Marty's real name) rape him, as if two rapes suddenly make a right. Uh, not so much.
(The following clip is of Todd threatening Marty later. The actual gang attack is on YouTube, too, for the morbidly curious.) http://youtube.com/watch?v=bkkpf5z6Les

7. DAYS' Jack forcing himself on Kayla. (See the mention in No. 4.) Somehow, this case of marital rape never gets brought up by anybody. Instead, Jack is beloved by all, most of all by Jennifer, the ingenue he fell in love with when she worked at his paper. Um, ewww. I love me some Jack and Jennifer, but I repeat...EW.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=SdEYpwEpUzI

8. GH's Luke and Laura at the campus disco. I feel like this one event probably changed the face of daytime. It was retconned into a "forced seduction;" into a "youthful mistake." It set the precedent for "chemistry excuses everything," and is probably why the Todds and EJs of the soap world exist. Anthony Geary is awesome, no doubt, and he deserves every single Emmy he's won, but the fact that Luke the rapist saved the world and got a lifetime free pass still rankles me.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=x_wQJfwH_uA

Notice a pattern? Notice that it's all about violence against women? Why does a genre geared towards women consistently glorify the abusers of them? Jerry is not a hero. Jerry is a great villain. He's like GL's Roger Thorpe or DAYS' Stefano DiMera. He should never be a Jax or a Lucky. I don't get how villains get turned into heroes just because the actor is cute or charming. Can you imagine that as a defense in real-life court? "Case dismissed because you're a hottie!" Me neither. So why do we let our soaps get away with it?