When Weekly's most vertically opposite editors Robert Schork (6'7'') and Mala Bhattacharjee (5'1'') trade thoughts on their favorite storyline of the day, you're left with The Long & The Short Of It. Here, they stalk THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL's Eric and Donna at Big Bear, and eavesdrop on their loved ones in LA. ("Beam us down, Mala!")

Mala: Does Donna's mascara always run like that?
Robert: I think it runs in the Logan family.
Mala: They should pop over to their competing show (AMC) and borrow some of Fusion's products.
Robert: I hope Eric's caterers charge by the HOUR. How long does it take to drive from LA to Big Bear?
Mala: They don't drive. They use a STAR TREK transporter.
Robert: A transporter? Captain Eric "Kirk" Forrester shall boldly go where no man has gone before...into Stephanie's bed.
Robert: "Just give Stephanie what she wants?" Easy for you to say, Brooke!
Mala: And now Brooke is telling her sister to give up a man? Oh, the irony. I need to not watch this show. I just LOL-ed because Brooke told Donna "there will be another man." Well, she would know, wouldn't she?
Robert: Yes, no doubt another of Brooke's leftovers/"hand-me-downs."
Mala: Well, geez, at this point, who ISN'T one of Brooke's leftovers? If they DO go to Fusion for makeup, let's make sure they don't send Storm, mmkay?
Robert: could you imagine a Gothed up Storm
Mala: Only slightly less scary than a Gothed up Michael Cambias. Isn't it blasphemous for Eric to be liaising at Big Bear with Donna?
Robert: Don't you think it's a little skeevy that Eric is hosting a romantic romp with Donna in the same cabin where he's been intimate with his own wife?
Robert: Oh my...GMTA. (Great Minds Think Alike)
Mala: I'm saying! And he wants to snowboard? Jesus, Eric, you'll break a hip! Then again, if he hasn't broken one in bed with Donna, he's probably safe.

Robert: Well, he did just say she makes him do all sorts of things "he's never done before." The mind can certainly wander on THAT one.
Mala: Yes, and my mind just wandered to several unsavory places. Now I need brain bleach. Thanks, Robert. So, where is my favorite couple today?
Robert: You mean that smoldering brother-sister duo? Thorne and Felicia?
Mala: Of course! Who else?
Robert: Okay, pass me that brain bleach. Stephanie says STORM needs help? This from the woman who threw Jackie off a balcony and nearly killed Brooke!
Mala: Something is bugging me about this Steph/Katie scene. And, yes, it might be that! LOL. Meanwhile, William de Vry needs hair. Or is shaving your hair off a symptom of the "I Shot Stephanie" crazies?
Robert: I love it when Storm's sisters call him "Stormy." Sounds so butch.
Mala: He'll never be as butch as Brooke... Poor Stormy.
Robert: Yeah, no wonder he has "issues." Wow, Eric is quite the sugar daddy. A Hybrid SUV? He's getting to be as generous as Oprah. "And you get a car!"
Mala: All right, I'm putting my skeeve aside in favor of Eric's Favorite Things. He can buy me an SUV any day!
Robert: Methinks he's staring at 2 of his "Favorite things" right now.
Mala: That's some rock he's offering her!"
Robert: Okay, forget Oprah. Now I feel like I'm watching THE PRICE IS RIGHT: An entire winter wardrobe, lift tickets, snowboarding lessons for two, a hybrid SUV and an engagement ring bigger than the Hope diamond. "Donna, would you like to bid or pass on this showcase?"
Mala: Well, Eric DOES have white hair like Bob Barker.
Robert: We've certainly come up with a lot of new jobs for Eric today...helming the Enterprise, hosting a game show...
Mala: Hey, apparently he's got the verve for it now that he's dating the Energizer bunny.
Robert: I'll say. He's certainly as virile as Captain Kirk. I mean he's got more women falling for him than men half his age.
Mala: Seriously. Eric has ALL the women. While poor Thorne and Rick are reduced to hanging out with their sisters.
Robert: At this rate GH's Diane will make a crossover to pursue Eric's "haute couture."
Mala: Is THAT what they're calling it these days? "Haute couture?" LOL.
Robert: Yeah, Rick and Thorne are hardly chopped liver. What's up with that? Ditto for poor STORMY — there, Brooke just said it!
Mala: Bwahahhahahahahaha. Yes, she did! That thump you heard? Me falling out of my chair from laughing so hard.
Robert: Um, note to Brooke: Don't call your brother "deeply disturbed" to his FACE after he shoots your mother in law and puts your dad in jail.
Mala: "Deeply disturbed" plus "Stormy". Come on, I think there's a connection there, Robert. "Yes, Doctor, I grew up feeling like I had a bright future in exotic dance thanks to my three sisters..."
Robert: Well maybe Dr. James Warwick can add "Stormy" to his roster of patients when he returns to town in a couple of weeks.
Mala: Lord knows Taylor isn't qualified anymore to help the poor man.
Robert: Poor Stormy? Poor DONNA. Talk about a buzz kill: hearing STEPHANIE's voice as you're hugging your boyfriend.
Mala: And there goes the mascara again. This episode of B&B brought to you by Maybelline!
Robert: You forgot something.
Mala: What's that?
Robert: Eric's parting words: "Help control the pet population. Have your pet er, ‘bitch' spayed or neutered!"

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