When Weekly’s most vertically opposite editors Robert Schork (6’7”) and Mala Bhattacharjee (5’1”) trade thoughts on their favorite storyline of the day, you’re left with The Long & The Short Of It. Here, they take on AS THE WORLD TURNS' Noah and Luke.

November 20, 2007

Mala: Why did Col. Homophobe just say, "What Luke does is a sin”? The boy probably hasn't gotten past first base in that wheelchair!
Robert: Wheelies are a sin?! And besides the obvious (as a "vehicle" to get Luke to walk again) what was the point of Luke and Noah confronting Col. Homophobe again?
Mala: It does move their relationship forward with the "I love your son," which Noah didn't reply to. It gives them angst. And Van Hansis (Luke) was good.
Robert: I'm sorry, but Luke's rise from the wheelchair was so predictable (I didn’t even "cheat" by reading our advance breakdowns for today's episode!). All that was missing was the televangelist faith healer.
Mala: Oh, you cynic! Personally, I think it's awesome that his intense desire to defend Noah from Col. Homophobe drove him to his feet. Then again, I think anything Luke does is awesome.
Robert: Okay, but Holden and Lily seemed just a tad underwhelmed by the revelation. It was like, "You can walk again? That's nice. Gotta grab some lunch. See ya!"
Mala: Dude, if my paralyzed son suddenly got up, the first thing I would do is run to the Lakeview for lunch. Not. And Lily is right to be amazed that their gay son has a more functioning relationship than she and Holden do. I think Faith and Parker have a more functioning relationship than they do.
Robert: At the rate Lily and Holden are going, Luke and Noah will have to attend some reverse PFLAG group for gay and lesbian relatives of troubled straight couples. Uh-oh. Col. Homophobe's commanding officer just reported for (politically correct) duty.
Mala: "This is my...Luke Snyder." Way to avoid saying "boyfriend" to the big, bad military man, Noah!
Robert: Well as they say in the military, "Don’t ask, don't tell." Meanwhile, how come Craig and Paul got the remote du jour? Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if Luke stood up from his chair somewhere scenic, like in front of the Brooklyn — oops — I mean OAKDALE Bridge?
Mala: Per our co-worker, Joe, that's the Tappan Zee Bridge. And Luke should just go about standing up dramatically all over New Yorkdale: The Montgomery Enterprises State Building, Central Oakdale Park, The Statue of Lilyberty...
Robert: He could finish up on Broadway, but then they’d have to break the fourth wall since that’s where Van Hansis is performing right now.
Mala: It'd be fitting, though Holden is the one thinking, "Die, Mommie, Die!" what with him demanding Lily sign those divorce papers.
Robert: Enough about Luke. What about Noah...Has someone spiked the boy's root beer with assertiveness pills? Overnight he's gone from pushover to putting Luke and his father in their respective places. What's up with that?
Mala: I think you're confusing "excessive shouting" with "assertiveness."
Robert: New marching orders for Noah: Don't ask, don't YELL.