GUIDING LIGHT's commanding Alan Spaulding has the run of Springfield. Staunchly loyal to his family and often villainous, Alan is also the epitome of class and sophistication. Here are the top 10 things you will never hear the pretentious (yet lovable) patriarch say.

10. "I wonder how Amish country is this time of year?"

9. "Has anyone seen Amanda lately? I miss having her around."

8. "Vera, we've run out of CornNuts and Pabst Blue Ribbon!"

7. "I'm thinking of closing Spaulding Enterprises and pursuing a career in musical theater."

6. "Alan-Michael is absolutely my favorite son."

5. "That Roger Thorpe, now he was a mensch."

4. "Puccini is completely overrated. You know who is a true musical visionary? 50 Cent."

3. "After seven wives, it's probably about time I stopped getting married and took a vow of celibacy."

2. "A Spaulding heir? Pfft. Who needs babies? I'm going to leave my legacy to Greenpeace."

1. "Harley Cooper is the best daughter-in-law a man could ask for. She's my light!"