[The waitress brings an artichoke dish to the table.]
Cosgrove: I haven’t had one of those since 1999.
McCouch: Of course not. That’s when you got married.
Cosgrove: What are you talking about? She’s the one who introduced me [to great food]. I only ate McDonald’s before I met her.
McCouch: Your wife likes that spicy, shrimpy stuff. She’s a dancer, she’s really hot.
Cosgrove: Next thing you know, I’m moving in.
McCouch: Next thing you know, she knows a good thing when she sees it, hooks him and he is butter.
Cosgrove: No, I was lost, I was confused. I was scrapping nickels and dimes for 40s [ounce beers].
McCouch: Strong beauty like that walks around, and you are on for the ride, my friend. Danny, let me tell you something: She is way too good for you.
Cosgrove: I already got kicked out of college, so I went to Florida for a few years and worked as a bailiff, and then you know what happened?
McCouch: He was a bailiff! I mean, this girl was so much better than him.
Cosgrove: No, watch this: “All rise. Oyez, oyez. The honorable…. [McCouch howls as Cosgrove gives his court instructions.]”
McCouch: His wife married a bailiff, all right?
Cosgrove: No, I was an out-of-work actor. She was supporting us on Alvin Ailey [Dance Company] money.
McCouch: That’s an unbelievable woman. She is so much better than you, because you would never do that for somebody.
Cosgrove: No, I was a loser.
McCouch: You were: You were a selfish loser.
Cosgrove: I was! That’s right.
McCouch: He was so selfish that it took a woman who believed in him — even when he was a bailiff — to pull him out of his head to realize that there are gracious people in the world. And that’s what gets him home at 9:45 every night.
Cosgrove: Before the forked-tongued heathen goes on…. No, seriously, you’ve got to come on-set. Can I come to watch you guys film?
McCouch: You know Laura [Wright, Cassie]? She loves me. She’s married, but she loves me. We get along great.
Cosgrove: No, she goes, “I met a friend of yours.” I’m like, “Who?” She said, “Grayson McCouch. Now I understand.”
McCouch: Yeah, she thinks I’m crazy like you.
Digest Do you watch each other’s shows?
McCouch: Heck, no. Obviously not. Well, we’ve been over this, but Danny’s watching my show because he’s studying me. Daniel studies my work. I tune in for Danny.
Cosgrove: I wish GUIDING LIGHT would write for me like they do on his show.
McCouch: Danny was my favorite guy to work with on ALL SOULS. We always made scenes that were nothing into something crazy good.
Cosgrove: I was the fast-talking goofball, and you were the guy who was the reason.
McCouch: I was a slow-talker, that’s what you’re trying to say.
Digest How has the fact that you lead such different lives affected your friendship?
McCouch: Totally. I hate it, I don’t like what’s going on, I feel alienated, and I’m somewhat angry, quite frankly. I used to have a boy to roll with and now he’s confined to the trappings of hearth and home. And it bothers me.
Cosgrove: So, I call him up, I say, “Hey, how are you….”
McCouch: He’s losing his freedom.
Cosgrove: But you know what? Things work out.
Digest Do you even see each other socially?
McCouch: Danny has the antithesis of any social schedule.
Cosgrove: That’s the thing: I love motorcycles. This guy’s got motorcycles; I don’t. I love old cars, but I don’t have an old car and he does.
McCouch: He loves sex.
Cosgrove: I’m married. Enough said.
McCouch: He loves going out dancing salsa.
Cosgrove: I live vicariously through him.
Digest Do you let him near your kids?
McCouch: Not once!
Cosgrove: I certainly would if he just would wash his hands once and then rinse with witch hazel.
McCouch: No, and the truth is, I know your wife is afraid of me.
Cosgrove: My wife has a lot of respect for you. She really likes Grayson.
McCouch: She actually knows that I’ll get Danny home safe.
Cosgrove: She knows you’re on the ball. Like I said, he’s a lot more responsible than I am.
Digest Why?
Cosgrove: He’s more together. He must have had a better childhood.
[Cosgrove and McCouch have an extensive argument about who had a worse childhood.]
Cosgrove: … I was doing some summer stock at Williamstown.
McCouch: No, you weren’t! I was.
Cosgrove: Oh, that was you? See what I’m talking about? See what’s going on? I don’t know what reality is what.
McCouch: That was me who did 10 years at Williamstown holding my breath. Not you. You were a bailiff, and you were a model, and then you got a modeling job on [BEVERLY HILLS,] 90210 and then some things happened.
Cosgrove: I was never a model.
McCouch: That’s true. I’ll give you that much. That’s the only reason I’m friends with you: because you were never a model. You could have been. Look at him: Danny could have been the Marlboro Man, the Calvin Klein guy. Danny could make billions off his mug alone. And he chooses to focus on the good stuff, I suppose.
