Cinco de Mayo means...er, lots of good television to watch (beer goggles not recommended)...

The barracudas start out young on GOSSIP GIRL, and they aren't afraid to use their teeth. Little J dismissed Eric's "crush" on her with a callous "that's cute." But there was nothing cute about the way he bared his own claws and outed her boyfriend, Asher, as gay. Now, Asher was no nice guy — the way he tormented Nate about what he intended to do to Jenny that night was vicious — but did Eric have the right to out Asher like that?

Rufus was also shattered; the way he stared at the reflection of Lillian in her wedding dress was heartbreaking. It didn't look like Georgina has a heart to break. Michelle Trachtenberg (ex-Dawn, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER) makes for a deliciously cruel and cold blast from Serena's past. Georgina revels in using her powers for evil. The way she casually outed Eric to his mother while maintaining a mask of bemused innocence at the dinner table marked a real change from the little Dawn we used to know and love. Perhaps casting Trachtenberg was a metareference to BUFFY, since Georgina is "The Key" to Serena's past, making Miss Sparks the Big Bad. Speaking of the past, did that laptop hold one of the adventures of "Svetlana and Savannah?" Blair wresting her throne from Jenny was another blast from the past. Compared to Queen B, Little J is just a kitten with a whip.

I do not usually make HOUSE calls because the show's rigid formula tends to bore me, but when I heard this week's episode involved House diagnosing his favorite soap opera actor, Evan Greer — played by Jason Lewis (ex-Smith, SEX AND THE CITY) — I felt a responsibility to check up on it.

The medical nuts-and-bolts were pretty much just as I remembered them, only this time House seemed to be wrong more than right — culminating in administering the correct treatment for the wrong reason (but the patient lived). However, the episode turned into a meditation on what constitutes happiness. Evan insisted that being a Hollywood lady-killer isn't all it's cracked up to be; Wilson and Amber struggled to find domestic bliss; and Kutner and 13 wondered if it's possible to be happy in an unhappy work environment. Of course House himself punctured all the rosy talk about hope with the cutting remark: "Hope is for sissies." He insisted that people refuse to make concrete changes in their lives in order to hang on to hope. Nice philosophy, but that's easy for a fictional character to say, right?

Best line of the night: When a pharmacist told House he was ordering enough steroids to jump-start a car, House replied, "Good, because he's in a '69 Ford coma."

Death was waiting in the wings for ONE TREE HILL's Dan, and apparently he wasn't willing to wait for it, judging by the hideous headstone sporting his photo that Dan had installed right next to Keith (talk about making someone turn over in his grave!).

Little Jamie was eager to learn more about his grandfather, but Nathan had no intention of letting Dan anywhere near the kid. A bad editing decision made it look like Nate told Haley about Dan's diagnosis right in front of Jamie, but a wider angle revealed the parents had moved to the kitchen between shots. Of course, Lucas had no sympathy for the terminal condition of the devil either, telling his father, "It couldn't happen to a nicer guy." Then he really got mean, adding, "You're dead to so many of us already, so what does it matter?" Ice cold. Forget what I said above about that great line from HOUSE — Lucas gets the night's top honors. Honorable mention in the "dis" department goes to Lindsay for declining Lucas' invitation to a video chat.

And I will meet you back here for the next Night Shift, provided you don't decline…