You've got to love the slick promo and the voiceover guy touting GH's Sonny and Dante meeting for the first time as family...and neglecting to also boom, "Sonny is a glorified copkiller." I am, yet again, so freaking furious with this soap that I can barely keep from vibrating with anger.

I was going to start giving GH the benefit of the doubt. I really was. This week, I actually promised myself I would quit riding the powers-that-be so hard, because GH is just a soap and if I keep harping on it so relentlessly, I'll develop an ulcer. It's unhealthy, you know?

I'm having one of those days where I have a ton of scattered (and slightly insane) soap thoughts. So, let me present them to you in bullet point form!

•Every time DAYS's Stefano calls EJ "Elvis," I want to go, "Elvis! Elvis! Let me be! Keep that pelvis faaar from me!" I blame entirely too many viewings of Grease. But you have to admit that, considering my long-standing hatred of EJ, it's also a pretty apropos lyric.

•The ABC promo dubbing AMC's Ryan the love of Greenlee's life is...problematic. Not that I was a huge Leo/Greenlee fan (in fact, if I can admit this without getting flamed, I really liked Laura before she went nutso), but there's no doubt in my mind that Leo is THE pivotal guy in Greenlee's life. Similarly, as much as the show has talked up Ryan/Kendall and Ryan/Greenlee in recent years, Gillian's always going to be "the one" for him in my eyes.

Dear OLTL, can we talk? I know people are screaming for the head of Stacy Morasco, but I have a more long-standing death wish...for Todd. Look, I know he has fans, and this is not a slam on Roger Howarth or Trevor St. John, both of whom have played the character exceedingly well. This is just me, Mala, saying that I wish somebody would shove Todd into a woodchipper or run him over repeatedly with a car or beat him to death with his own shoe.

What do AMERICAN IDOL runner-up Adam Lambert and OLTL's Kish have to do with each other? A few mainstream media outlets seem to be trying to connect them in order to call out ABC on its purported homophobia and hypocrisy.

For instance, I just read Lesleyann Coker's Jan. 11 blog at The Huffington Post, and she is asserting that ABC "hid" the Kish sex — and that it's the same thing as dumping Lambert from GOOD MORNING AMERICA after his controversial performance at the American Music Awards. Um, what? Soap fans are pretty smart. So when most of the magazines and soap Web sites dubbed New Year's a "must see moment" for OLTL's Kyle and Fish, I'm pretty sure fans were able to read between the lines and guess that sexytimes were imminent. Not to mention that far from burying such an important milestone, the show aired it at a time where more people were home from work than usual! Check the Nielsen ratings for that week. Every single soap rose in households!

You know, after well over a decade, this whole SOPRANOS Lite version of GH has gotten a little tired and played out. But fear not, there is still plenty of classic television out there to inspire stories for Sonny and Jason! Check out a few of my suggestions.

Often times, my approach to solving a love triangle is "Oh, why can't they all just move in together?" Today, I found myself saying that with a non-triangle: ATWT's Henry, Katie and Simon.

I just adore them together. Plus Jacob. Of course I can't forget the baby! Their scenes in the wake of Brad's death have been full of life and laughs and love — and a lot of poignancy.

Soaps make me laugh, they make me cry. Seldom does one make me so angry I'm actually shaking. Yep, I'm talking GENERAL HOSPITAL, which used the 1998 story of Elizabeth's rape to garner sympathy for the character while she's sleeping with her fiancé's brother.

Look, there is no doubt that Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson sold the scene at Jake's, in which Liz and Lucky told a horrified Rebecca about the brutal crime. I am not questioning their skill as actors. This is a question of why the-powers-that-be chose to use the most horrific event of Liz's life to convince Rebecca to stay silent about Liz and Nikolas' affair. You know, because the Four Musketeers' friendship stemmed from that awful period and Becks shouldn't torpedo that bond. Or whatever the rationale was. I don't know, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it. Not to mention that Liz and Nikolas have already done a pretty good job of undermining all that historic friendship by christening every flat surface at Wyndemere while Lucky makes wedding plans.

I know I get snarky sometimes, but we all know I love soaps, right? I adore this genre with every fiber of my being and will defend it to the death against its detractors — of which, sadly, there are many.

Whenever the daytime industry encounters misfortune, people are always ready to swoop in like vultures and pass judgment, making generalizations about poor writing, actors who can't hack it elsewhere, and how it's all sexy romps and people coming back from the dead.

There are a lot of logic flaws in GH's "Franco Hearts Jason" story, but here's one in particular: If everyone knows Jason is a killer, he's not the best hitman, he's the worst.

Now, I'm hardly an expert when it comes to contract hits and the mob (okay, I'm lying; clearly whacking people is how I make extra cash), but I'm pretty sure the entire business depends on secrecy. Sure, there's a healthy intimidation factor, but in general, nobody goes around advertising that they kill people for a living. Because it's not a legitimate career like, say, insurance sales or working at the local bakery. Murder is illegal, ya know?

Since I've been covering ATWT for three years for Weekly and watching regularly for five, I have a lot of emotions about ATWT's cancellation. I also have emotions about yesterday's ATWT episode.

Because, much like the journey of the show this year, what was a great resurgence of story really ended on a bad note. Ignoring Teri's painful, starry-eyed crush on Dusty (he's just not that into you; please start a support group with B&B's Steffy), the episode had me completely engaged. I loved Margo and Jack watching Katie and Simon at the Oakdale PD and realizing Simon is Katie's rock right now. Simon's nod to the Malta opera house hijinks was hilarious. ("I'm a mother now!" Katie gasped in mock outrage.) And Carly and Simon's scenes at Al's were filled with so much sparkage. Maura West and Paul Leyden couldn't stop smiling at each other, and the dialogue addressed perfectly the question of, "But how can Simon claim to have loved Katie all along?" Then, Jack hauling off and punching Simon over Carly... a weary Janet salvaging her pride and walking out on Jack... Katie and Henry visiting Brad's grave... there was so much great character work. They didn't make a single misstep.

Until the end.